Female disasters come in pairs?

I think I just have bad luck with women. First, a BPD "girlfriend". That episode is over and thank god it was relatively easy for her to leave me (hopefully she's not crazy enough to bother me again). Now, I have an Asperger's colleague. It's funny because I thought there was something wrong with her from the first day I met her. But only recently did I realise that my intuition was right... I mean, what are the chances man? To deal with her antics I have to do counter-intuitive things otherwise it will drive me crazy. I mean, give me a break man. It's really hard to deal with someone who is not normal. Dealing with normal people is as hard as it is. When I actually interact with normal girls around my age, I'm like so relieved -- "I'm actually not crazy"! The disorder is real, and is not a curable condition, but can be managed. I really don't want to put labels on her in case it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy... But it's just too hard. She really is different and the symptoms fit her too well. If you didn't understand the condition, you would just think that she is normal but just different...

Let's see... She has never greeted me properly in 3 years (making eye contact) and her greetings are really half-hearted (btw, I'm not the only one she does that to). She speaks in a kind of monotone and she does not really have facial expressions. The only ones I remember she shows are: blank look, angry look, laughing look. Her body language is not consistent with her words as well and she does not exhibit normal eye contact. She only really makes eye contact when talking and even then it does not seem normal -- it's like staring. As we all know non-verbal communication makes up more than 50% of our interaction but with her the non-verbal part is almost non-existent. And the fact that she mumbles sometimes, takes a while to word-find and doesn't give you straight answers, only makes it worse. Furthermore she is so sensitive that she gets overloaded very easily. I mean just normal talking to me she is already trembling. I'm very sensitive myself so I can understand it but hers is really too extreme. It's so weird. And she gets shocked so easily. I mean she got a shock after seeing me when I was going back into the office from the toilet! In terms of work, she can never deal with ambiguity. She needs clear goals and she gets upset when she doesn't have that. I think ambiguity is not easy for anyone to deal with but she gets too upset with it. And she can throw tantrums about it! (at least to me it is a tantrum but I'm quite sure she doesn't know her behaviour is abnormal). Finally, she seems to have very rigid, fixed routines. There was a time when she just kept on eating the same lunch everyday for a long while. I think she is trying to change that now so it seems she tries to eat different things (maybe her trying to seem normal). But there's still something which cannot escape my eyes and this is just my speculation but... She has NEVER, EVER changed her hairstyle for 3 years. And it seems to require quite some effort as some hair gel is required so it might serve as a daily ritual for her. At least from what I see. There are other abnormal things about her but I think I've written enough for now.

I have thought about leaving the company a few times... The environment is too distracting for me -- poor lighting, noisy, poor air quality and lousy toilets (industrial area). There's some guy who's always burping throughout the day, a guy who talks so loudly I can hear him through my earphones, and noisy calls with customers throughout the day. I don't know if other companies would be better... Or whether I'm too sensitive. And now this colleague. Never thought I would have problems with colleagues as I'm generally an easygoing guy but I guess this is the real world for you. Or maybe I'm not as easygoing as I thought. There's just too many reasons for me to leave... And I really want to stay, especially in these tough times where it's make or break for the company. Even though I can probably get better pay elsewhere. But I'm reaching my limit soon.

I now realise how important it is to have colleagues that are aligned with the company's interests and goals. I have NO idea why my colleague chose to work with this company, when it seems that her goals are not aligned with that of ours. If it was a normal person I would ask her, but dealing with this person is like walking in a minefield. Haha.

The Meditations Book 2

Though thou shouldst be going to live three thousand years, and as many times ten thousand years, still remember that no man loses any other life than this which he now lives, nor lives any other than this which he now loses. The longest and shortest are thus brought to the same. For the present is the same to all, though that which perishes is not the same; and so that which is lost appears to be a mere moment. For a man cannot lose either the past or the future: for what a man has not, how can any one take this from him? These two things then thou must bear in mind; the one, that all things from eternity are of like forms and come round in a circle, and that it makes no difference whether a man shall see the same things during a hundred years or two hundred, or an infinite time; and the second, that the longest liver and he who will die soonest lose just the same. For the present is the only thing of which a man can be deprived, if it is true that this is the only thing which he has, and that a man cannot lose a thing if he has it not.

 Even the Ancients knew how important the moment is.

Spot the red flags.

So, for record purposes, what were the red flags in person?

Date 1:
-I had already eaten dinner, but she hadn't. She whined about eating by herself, so I ended up buying some dessert.
-That fake smile, where only the lips curl up.
-Said she would listen to my stories but then ended up giving some glum face while listening. (She was tired so can excuse that, but still...)
-Asked her to go Macs as the hawker centre was closing, but she said no. Ended up walking to my home's void deck. I had to push my bicycle all the way. With one hand, because I was holding her hand with the other. It was tiring you know... She never once asked or cared. (But this can be excused a little...)

Date 2:
-Went with my dad/sis to fetch her to my grandma's place. She asked me if I would come out of the car when I reached... (Expecting princess treatment?)
-In front of everyone: asked me why I never held her hand. (Wtf my family was so friendly to her yet she needed assurance from me?)
-In front of everyone: asked me why I never held her. (Hello this is just the second date...)
-When fetching her home, asked me if I wanted to go to her house (when she actually meant just send her to her door). Well this is fine to ask, but it's still very puzzling...
-Asked if my grandma etc liked her. LIKE WTF who except someone very insecure asks that?! Well she did say she was an insecure person but it really shocked me that she was really so insecure.

Date 3:
-That fake smile again.
-Dinner. She never offered to pay. But she was buying a present for my sister, so I kind of excused her... It still bugged me.
-She wanted to order extra stuff, so I asked her to go buy. She asked "I'm scared you lonely" with a very non-sweet, non-genuine face. This was probably a projection of her own feelings onto me. What a dumb girl.
-When buying a gift for my sis. Kept asking me if my sis would like it, when I already decided.
-My pants were rolled up improperly because I cycled. She pointed it out but never really took any action for me. Okay la. I didn't expect much anyway.
-No reaction to me putting my arms around her.
-Bought cakes for her mum but didn't offer any for me. That's when I first thought that she probably was just using me and didn't like me at all. But I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
-After the date, she told me that it felt like I don't love her. LIKE WTF?! Definitely at this point I already had alarm bells ringing in my head saying this girl is crazy. But I still gave her the benefit of the doubt. Anyway I think this is the point where she realised she actually didn't love me but didn't know it yet. A projection of her own feelings.

Date 4:
-Invited her to my place. When we met, she totally had that unhappy and dark face upon seeing me. This is the first time where I really started to have doubts. (Not going to hold the hands of someone who looks at you like that, man...)
-Very protective of her handbag, like she definitely didn't feel safe here and also never coming back.
-Went to bathe so I brought her to my room. But she was not comfortable with it and wanted to go outside. Okay la, this was my mistake. But I think being uncomfortable with my home is a very huge red flag that I noticed but didn't think much of it at that time. I mean she is a tuition teacher and goes to homes all the time...
-Basically she was being so guarded throughout
-After this, she asked me to ask my family whether they liked her. Like seriously wtf is wrong with this girl?! She needs so much validation. Yucks.

Date 5:
-Gave her her birthday present and went to her house to pick her up. We were going to the canopy walk. When I met her, she totally had a dark face. Even though she said thank you for the present, it didn't feel like she mean it.
-Didn't want to take photos with me although she agreed we should have more photos together. This is the point where I knew she didn't want to be seen with me anymore
-Totally didn't enjoy the trip at all. At one point she was so happy that we were finally reaching the end. In a whiny manner. This is the point where I knew she was probably not the one for me.
-So dinner. We had prata. When I went to collect it, she didn't offer to help at all. It's like 4 plates of stuff and I had to go to and fro a few times. I know she was the birthday girl, but still... It didn't felt right. Could it be that she's actually like this all the time?!
-Did not offer to pay for dinner AT ALL. I mean it was cheap and all, but... At least offer to pay? This is the point where I really started to feel USED.
-That fake smile again. It was getting unnerving. This is on hindsight of course. At that time I thought she was just acting cute. (Hah, what a fool I am)

Date 6:
-Went to her favourite zi char.
-She bought some pastries for her mum before I reached. Never bought any for me. I think if you love someone, you would at least want to give them something once in a while. Or at least think of doing so. But no, and this happened too many times that I felt something was wrong.
-So the dinner. Again, never offered to pay. This is the time where I definitely felt USED.
-She wanted to buy avocado milkshake for her mum over accompanying me to IKEA. I mentioned that I like that too. That is not really a red flag by itself, but...
-Suddenly while queuing asked me to order and she would pay for it (including my share). This was really the last straw. I mean, this was the weirdest shit test ever. This definitely meant she was hesitant to buy me my share and needed me to "do some work". What a crazy bitch.

And one week after that... Told me some damn lame lies (no more meeting up) and ignored me the day after she told me she loved me. Said she needed some space. Please. At that point she already decided to break up with me. A complete abrupt turn. And she even blocked me and refused to give me a proper explanation and even when I asked her nicely, treated me like shit.

Man, so many red flags and I am so glad I dodged the bullet. I felt so USED but you know what, it could have been worse. I will always be grateful to her for showing me extreme female nature, if not I might end up being trapped in some stupid relationship. I'm so relieved that she broke up before my sister gave her an expensive snorlax and before I went for her friend's wedding which would probably cost $100. Omg. You know she doesn't deserve your love when you're so glad that you saved the $100 rather than have her back. $100 is definitely worth more than being used.

Seriously, what is wrong with this person? I don't understand. Regardless of her family circumstances, do you know how fortunate she was? To have a condo to stay, to have food to eat, to be able to go to university? Yet how could she lament so much about her life? How could she be so broken? It's so mind boggling.

BULLET DODGED

P.S. Actually the scariest thing I remember about her is not her emptiness, her fake smiles, but rather, her saying "will you spend all your money on me". It wasn't even 1 month and she said that. She even asked for my INCOME very early on. Fucking scary... I don't know who in their right mind will do that for a girl they don't even know well and who is not reliable as a person. And the worst part is that she did nothing special for me to deserve anything.

Ridiculous things my ex said to me

Some are translated from Chinese and may not be exact as I only remember the gist of it.

Ex: Will you take care of me, spoil me, love me?
Me: Yes I will take care of you, spoil you, love you.

Ex: I feel like you don't love me.
[Note that this was only the third time we met]
Me: Why?
Ex: I don't know
Me: I don't feel as close to you in person... Give it some time

Ex: Will you spend your money on me or will you leave me to fend for myself?
Me: I will spend my money on you.

Ex: Will you help me with my tuition questions?
Me: I will, if I have time.

Me: Will you mind not having a wedding?
Ex: Don't want
Ex: It's a once in a lifetime thing
Me: So many people get divorced
Ex: Why marry if you get divorced

Ex: I want to move to the US
Ex: I can get a better career there
Ex: Singapore is such a bad place
Ex: The government, you say something wrong and you get arrested
Ex: Companies here are so inefficient
Me: ...

Ex: Why you never hold my hand
Me: Because I shy

Ex: Why you never hold me
Me: [Holds]

Ex: Why you write letter to my mum
Ex: You're the first guy who ever did

++++++

Actually sounds quite normal right? Out of context they don't sound alarming... But take into consideration she has a load of mental issues, and she brought nothing to the table. She wasn't good at all: short, quick-tempered, childish, naggy, unhappy, damaged beyond repair. Self-entitled despite claiming she has an inferiority complex.

I was too nice to her... And I was genuine about it, too. It could have gone this way:

++++++

Ex: Will you take care of me, spoil me, love me?
Me: Not until you've proven that you aren't just using me.
Me: What do I get in return? What do you do for me?

Ex: I feel like you don't love me.
[Note that this was only the third time we met]
Me: Why?
Ex: I don't know
Me: That's because you don't actually love me. How do you expect to feel loved if you can't love? You never seem happy to see me, and you never laugh at anything I say. You always give me that fake smile. Love comes from within, you dumbass. How do you expect to be loved if you don't love?

Ex: Will you spend your money on me or will you leave me to fend for myself?
Me: Why should I spend all my money on you? You haven't even proven that you wouldn't leave me just like the first time. What do I get in return for spending money on you? Are you an escort? You brought nothing to the table. I gave so much of my time and resources for you. Shouldn't you be the one spending money on me? How about you actually split the bill and not expect me to pay all of the time?

Ex: Will you help me with my tuition questions?
Me: Why should I? It's your job and I have my own life too. I will help you if I have time but how can you expect me to be at your beck and call? I'm not your fucking maid.

Me: Will you mind not having a wedding?
Ex: Don't want
Ex: It's a once in a lifetime thing
Me: So many people get divorced
Ex: Why marry if you get divorced
Me: Because of people like you who can't commit. Why do you think you deserve a wedding?

Ex: I want to move to the US
Ex: I can get a better career there
Ex: Singapore is such a bad place
Ex: The government, you say something wrong and you get arrested
Ex: Companies here are so inefficient
Me: You fucking sheltered girl. Do you know how fortunate you are? And there you are, complaining about all your issues. The problem is you!

Ex: Why you never hold my hand
Me: Why the heck must we hold hands all the time? And why don't you hold my hand instead of complaining about it? Why must I do everything? What have you done to deserve it?

Ex: Why you never hold me
Me: Why you only complain

Ex: Why you write letter to my mum
Ex: You're the first guy who ever did
Me: Of course I did because I was genuinely worried about you. You really expect me to do nothing after sending a cold breakup message so suddenly on my birthday? What a kid. How about you grow up? You blocked me everywhere and left me no choice. What a sadist. I'm sorry, not to you but to myself for actually caring for a cold person like you.

++++++

Anyway, I'm glad that I was nice to her because she probably wouldn't be able to handle the truth. What a broken person. Seriously, she is quite fortunate. Has a proper family, has proper meals, lives in condo. And yet she created so many issues for herself. What a dumb girl. This is a lesson that you should never take things for granted.

Dating is pretty stupid.

So let's sum up the experiences with the dating game last year.

2 dates from Tinder:

1. Met this Japanese girl who didn't match her photos at all. Ok... I'm not so concerned about looks but...
a. she couldn't decide what to eat;
b. end up I decided and bought for her;
c. she asked how much it was just for the sake of asking with no intention of paying;
d. brought her to an exhibition and I even asked beforehand if she was interested in this sort of thing. ended up she was not interested at all. I was genuinely interested but because she wasn't I ended up just speeding through (fuck I'm too nice)
e. after the date just blocked me and ghosted me. very disrespectful, just like every other woman

2. This 20yo girl who super-liked me and did seem like a nice girl but was always damn busy because of her real work. Managed to meet her after a month and this was when I was already in a relationship with my ex. See I already knew that my ex would treat me badly so I did have a backup plan by instinct. Actually I'm quite impressed with my instinct. Anyway I met her as a friend and I would never cheat unlike women. But I don't know why I was so stupid to treat her just because it was her birthday. Ended up she asked for sushi and picking one of the most expensive items on the menu. #GoldDiggerRedFlag. Lucky she treated me back on my birthday albeit it was something cheaper and she totally didn't withdraw money and when she did she withdrew so little. Hahaha. Anyway from our conversations she indirectly told me she was a gold digger straight up. She also said she had so many guys chasing her. But she wants a relationship so badly? And she said she didn't have any relationships before but when I asked in person she said yes but not counted because so long ago and not really "official". I was like, okay, what a joke. #TooManyRedFlags.

1 date from OkCupid:

1. I think this was the most decent girl I've ever met. She liked Japanese stuff like me and she was actually a nice person and split the bill for ramen. And she also spoke Chinese. Unfortunately at that time I got into that toxic relationship with my ex. Anyway the dealbreaker is that she is not really the type to take initiative and I really had enough of that kind of thing.

Btw, online dating is really terrible. The girls get so many messages so even if you get a reply it's probably half-hearted. And they don't need to take any initiative because of the illusion of choice. The game is rigged. Anyway even if the game wasn't rigged the chance of meeting a girl who actually puts in effort is negligible.

Now, how about offline dating? Hahaha let's see there was this girl at work related to our landlord and this guy was trying to matchmake me I think 2 years ago. Talked over coffee and was like hinting me to chase her. I said I wanted to be single but he wouldn't accept it. So I agreed and let him set up a date, at Gardens I think. But then somehow he got back to me and said that it would be better for her to meet as a group. I was like wtf... so fucking shy. This is why I want to be single because girls are so troublesome. Luckily nothing happened. But recently the guy pestered me to add her on Facebook. So I did so that he'll stop nagging. I mean no harm for me anyway. Seriously... why do people want me to chase a girl who has nothing to offer me?

I still don't understand why guys have to take the initiative. When the risks all lie with the guys even though equality is touted you know something is wrong. Dating just means plan dates, pay for girls, impress them, while they don't need to do anything. Relationship/Proposal means spend time and money to impress a girl who'll leave you just because they don't feel like it anymore. Marriage means stuck to a girl who'll hit the wall after a few years and nag at you. I'm not hating on girls but just stating the truth. Maybe this is why so many of my friends are gay or single. Because they know it by instinct, that something is wrong with the world.

For 14 years I have not met a girl who tried to impress me. They all expect you to impress them. What a joke. They have absolutely nothing to offer me. Thus, I have nothing to offer them as well. This is the gynocentric world that we live in. Feminism is fine and all but now girls want to have their cake and eat it too. Go ahead then. There'll always be guys who're dumb enough to fall for girls.

Like me. With my crazy ex. Still very amazed that I dodged that bullet somehow. Girls are not reliable and cannot counted on in relationships. This is both from my personal experience and my observations of others. Especially what happened to my uncle where his wife ran away. And so many instances where women initiated the divorce or cut off the relationship. The truth is, women are the ones with commitment issues. I'm not saying that women are the only ones, but they are more likely to do so. And why would I take the risk? It's very hard to find a girl who'll add value to your life anyway. Getting involved with women has only given me problems. In contrast, guys seem like a better deal. First, guys are more reliable. Second, we share more in common. Third, I don't want kids. So tell me, isn't having a boyfriend better than having a girlfriend? They are more likely to treat you better!

Back from Perth

Managed to visit Central Park, an asset that FCOT owns. The location is really prime and right in the center of the CBD. The top of the building is also very obvious with its Rio Tinto sign (how is it not mistaken as the Rio Tinto building lol). Everytime we drive from the suburbs into the city I see that building. It's also highly visible from King's Park.

Would have loved to cycle around, but this is a extended family trip so it's harder to do so. I like Perth, but I still prefer Singapore. I think many people take Singapore for granted. Obviously going to places as a tourist you tend to see only the good sides of a place. Once you've been to other places you'll realise how cheap and clean Singapore actually is. One of the greatest things about a city is that it is efficient to live in. You don't need cars, and most of the times everything is just a short walk away. I think many people don't appreciate how convenient that is. And the weather? It can be hot, but it is consistent. It doesn't fluctuate so much throughout the day or even throughout the year.

I am still thinking about the crazy ex, and I was thinking about my experience with her while in Perth. I guess it affected me greatly, as compared to the first time she did it to me. It really opened my eyes to how women behave. She was an extreme example, being a supremely broken person. But women... really are the same in many ways. I am much more careful and wary now. I am only thankful that the scales have fallen from my eyes and that I dodged a major bullet. I have nothing but contempt for the way she treated me. Still, if it wasn't for this experience with her, I might end up trapped in some commitment with some truly sweet girl who'll end up milking all my resources. So I am still grateful in some way to her. I have thought about finding some way to tell her mum about her possible BPD, but... it's not worth it. She's just too crazy and massively unstable and who knows what she might do if she found out. She was right. I should grow up and get out of her life. Just let the toxic people in your life go.

It's funny though. All my life I have questioned why guys must chase girls and do so much crap to "prove their love". Why do guys have to take the initiative and do all the work? What's so great about girls? They take more than they give... After trying out "dating", and this wonderful experience with crazy ex, I have realised that. 80% of girls only want things from you. And they are never wrong. Having understood how they work, it's very hard to imagine being with one for the rest of your life. To be very frank, I've been waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet all my life. Now I know why it never happens. The modern woman wants everything but gives nothing. I've been socially conditioned by all the ridiculous blue-pill media.

I have nothing to offer women, and they have nothing to offer me. This may sound sad, but it is actually a very peaceful thing in life. Don't be brainwashed by the world.

Rage period is over?

Ok la, rage period is over. I think it does help in getting over things. But I'm not really fond of getting angry because I feel that it doesn't really help. In fact, as I get older, I find it harder to get angry and to stay angry. I really enjoy living in the moment and there really is no place for anger in the present.

So, a new year. My goals in life are really simple and they are all internal. Being mindful, being joyful, having inner peace, living in the moment. In fact I already achieved them somewhat. It's only a matter of having some consistency. People like to focus on physical health but I believe mental health is equally important. The body and the mind are linked and interdependent. 锻炼身心!