Rage period is over?

Ok la, rage period is over. I think it does help in getting over things. But I'm not really fond of getting angry because I feel that it doesn't really help. In fact, as I get older, I find it harder to get angry and to stay angry. I really enjoy living in the moment and there really is no place for anger in the present.

So, a new year. My goals in life are really simple and they are all internal. Being mindful, being joyful, having inner peace, living in the moment. In fact I already achieved them somewhat. It's only a matter of having some consistency. People like to focus on physical health but I believe mental health is equally important. The body and the mind are linked and interdependent. 锻炼身心!

Rage part 2

Damn I don't know why I'm still angry and still writing posts but I need to get it out of my system. Still seriously disturbed.

This bitch was crazy. Kept asking if I loved her. And didn't know why she felt that I did not love her. The answer is VERY SIMPLE. Because she did not love anyone. She's not capable of that. She did not love herself, neither did she love me. How can someone who doesn't love anything feel love? Nothing that I ever do will make her feel loved. Because she's not capable of that in the first place. And that is the simple answer. She said she wanted me to take all the initiative because it would make her feel loved. Hahahaha. What rubbish. What about me? What about making me feel loved? Well for me, I can feel loved without depending on external validation, but the fact that it was always about her says volumes. It was always about her. It was a black hole.

Another crazy question that she asked was if I would spend on her. A big implication that I should spend everything on her. No mention of doing ANYTHING for me that would be worth my assets. Self-entitled princess. And what answer could I give other than yes? What a trap question? Stop asking stupid trap questions. It was only 1 month and you expected me to give my whole life to you? Fucking crazy bitch. What did you ever do to deserve that? The way you treated me in the past, you should be glad I gave you a chance. I gave you a chance only because you were my first love. You treated me like shit. You treated me like food voucher. Like an emotional tampon.

She kept asking for my time and attention. Whether I would help her with her tuition, whether I would help her build some website, whether I would do this, whether I would do this. Fuck it. It was always about HER. I have my own life. What did she ever do for me? NOTHING.

Another trap I fell into. She was always full of laughter in text. But in person she was miserable all the time. And she did mention that she was an unhappy person. So at least she didn't lie about that. She never laughed at whatever I said. That is a big sign that she didn't actually like me. She rarely had a genuine smile. I bet she was just pretending anyway. And those fake smiles that she did... it was so creepy.

Always complaining about life. Always the victim. Everything she did she brought it upon herself. Yet she would never admit it. Always tired and drinking so much coffee just to stay awake. Hahaha it's ridiculous. Obviously she would feel tired since she overloaded her damn schedule. Obviously she would get headaches all the time from substance abuse and overwork. What a stupid girl.

And picking up guys for LTRs through clubbing? Haha what a dumb girl. No wonder your LTRs failed and your guys cheated on you. You are lousy at mate selection. And you think you'll pick better mates through alcohol laded glasses? Hahaha. Dumb. I don't know how they were like but from what little you told me, I'm quite sure I would be the best guy you'd ever have. I was the first guy you picked and you picked me while NOT DRUNK AT LEAST. But you probably dumped me because of another guy. Both times. I'm very, very sure of that. You said you had inferiority complex, but you could go with other guys. Hahahaha. Hypergamy in action even though you are such a lousy person.

And the worst thing is... falling in "love" so quickly and trapping people in relationships because of your sick and twisted need for validation. It was only 2 weeks that we talked and we never even met and you already wanted to trap me in a relationship? Sick girl. I should have known it was too good to be true. You were just playing with my feelings. Fortunately my gut instinct was sending me warning flags the whole time we were together so I wasn't totally blind. I was serious about the relationship but there was a small part of my foot out the door. Lucky I wasn't that blue pill. I'm actually quite lucky to have escaped relatively unscathed.

I could tell. You were just using me. The signs weren't that obvious, and that's why I opted to stay and observe further, to give you further chances. Good that you showed your true colours so quickly. Saved me a world of hurt. You were being flakey anyway, avoiding meeting me like half of the time. Half of it I attributed to true stuff, half of it I knew something was wrong.

I have never met anyone as broken as you. What's your problem? What made you so broken? Seriously, the only reason why you're still in my head is my curiosity. How could you be so broken? And how did guys even love you despite you being so broken? Were you always like this? I don't believe you treated your 4-year ex so badly else it wouldn't have lasted for so long. But then again. Who knows. I'm still curious but it's really none of my business. All I can do is guess.

I'm really glad I brought you to met my parents, my relatives. Btw, it's really no big deal for me for girls to meet my family. Even friends. You probably thought otherwise. Every time after you met them, you would ask me if they liked you. Like seriously wtf? I'm so glad you met them, if not I wouldn't have known how broken you were.

OMG. I still can't believe I got involved with such a broken and crazy girl who threatened to call the police because she couldn't deal with things like an adult. Seriously, the letter I sent to her mum? Part of it was out of desperation, and a small part of it was wanting to troll her. I think it worked. Thank my Scorpio nature for that. I subconsciously did it even though I was devastated at that time. A subtle way of getting revenge. Damn petty, I know but I think it was worth seeing her lousy reaction. To confirm that she was a lousy person and that I was better off without her. Maybe she got angry because she knew I was trying to troll her. Hahaha. I don't think it's that obvious though.

Anyway, this is really the last straw for me. I would love to say that I still believe in love and I still trust girls and this is just an isolated incident. But I've been through so much and met so many girls who disappointed me. I'm done with relationshits. Even girls in general. Especially Singaporean girls. I haven't met anyone who was worth the trouble. All the girls I've met -- they either have some crazy emotional baggage, or they're just plain self-entitled. Or they expect the guys to take all the initiative. There is a reason why so many guys are single. Because they're sick of women's bullshit. And women love waiting. Waiting for that prince on a white horse to save them from their flawed selves. Guys aren't falling for that trick anymore. All you get when you save a damsel in distress, is a distressed damsel. Damaged goods.

P.S. this is the first time I took so many shit tests from a girl. This girl must be the queen of shit tests. There's at least one every day. Imagine that. Your mum was right -- you are gonna chase away guys like that.

Apparently anger makes you get over a breakup

From http://www.vox.com/first-person/2017/1/3/14100360/breakup-survival-strategies

I guess I have about 10% left to get over. There are many things that reminded me of her. For example, I went to NTU today for work. And saw Nanyang Business School poster. Strange huh. NTU is not unique to that bitch. Short hair is also not unique to that bitch. I didn't really feel angry for a while because I felt that it wasn't worth it and that maybe she didn't treat me that badly.

BUT NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT...

This fucking Clara Lim Tze Hui. I would love to forget about this disrespectful bitch. I have never treated her badly, I accepted her, and you know what. I WAS SUCH A FOOL. I am now angry at myself and also at her. Fucking bitch played with my feelings and let me down. Fucking me still giving her rent in my head, despite not wanting to. It is fucking unfair. How can she treat this like a game? How can she take the easy way out and just erase me from her life without me even getting ANY word in? This fucking crazy bitch. Told me so much crazy stuff, knowing that I will worry, and then just went totally cold on me. And blocked me everywhere! Knowing that I will worry about her. This is one sick and twisted bitch. Such a sadist. Fuck you. Btw, I have no intention to do anything to her or contact her or whatever. I also hope she doesn't commit suicide or anything, not that she will because she cut herself not to die but rather to ease her crazy pain. SHE BETTER STAY ALIVE. Because she deserves to suffer. Such a mentally ill person. She only needs to stay alive and she will self-implode on her own. 14 years ago she was already crazy (I didn't know it at that time), and now she has gotten even crazier. 50 fucking soft toys. Hah. What a big loser. She will NEVER be satisfied. She will ALWAYS be unhappy. She can buy all the things she want. Look down on all the people she wants. Hurt all the guy victims she wants. BUT THE HOLE IN HER HEART WILL NEVER BE CLOSED.

It's a fucking BLACK HOLE. A bottomless pit. She can try to fill it all she wants, but it will always be empty. She's a fucking empty doll. Devoid of positive emotions. Heartless. Broke up on my birthday like it's nothing. Think that I'm not hurt at all and didn't give a shit about how I feel. BEING ANGRY with ME for showing concern, even when I should be the one getting angry! Why didn't I get angry? Why the heck didn't I scold her? It's too late now... I really want to swear and curse at her but what will that achieve? That bitch will just call the fucking police because she cannot fucking deal with an ADULT problem. Asking me to grow up -- that is the most ridiculous thing EVER. She's fucking 27 years old and still acting like she's 14 years old. What a joke.

Anyway, she will hit the wall soon. Actually she probably already hit the wall. All the alcohol abuse, the overwork, the cutting. Plus she's not a virgin anymore. So. Damaged goods. Once again I am so glad that I dodged a bullet.

So. Clara Lim Tze Hui. You are fucking crazy and disrespectful to me. I am so glad that you broke up with me. I hope you grow old alone and sad. Because even if you find guys, they will dump you anyway. Like the bitch you are. Please don't mess up other guys life. They deserve better than you. You empty shell. You never grew up. Enjoy being stuck in a 14 year old mind even when you are 50. There is a fucking reason all your exes dumped you. Because any girl is better than you. You only trapped the guy with your false pretense of love and once they realised that you treated them like shit, they left.

Sigh. Why am I so angry anyway. Not like it's gonna change the past. But I think it's better to be angry. So that I will remember this. No need to erase her from my mind, because it will serve as a reminder to me to always be wary of women. Especially women with mental issues. Fucking Clara Lim Tze Hui. Trapped me with a commitment so quickly, making me believe you were committed. Then after that telling me so much crazy stuff about yourself. Revealed all your crazy mental issues after getting me committed. Fucking trap. Sure, it was also my mistake to fall into the trap as well but still FUCKING BITCH. What an evil bitch. Venus flytrap. Asking me to provide everything for you, spend everything on you. Fucking treat me like an ATM and play with my feelings. I bet you quit playing the game because you were so guilty of using me even though you never loved me at all. OH WOW you can actually feel guilt. Nah you didn't feel anything at all. What a cold and hostile bitch.

I am so ashamed that I genuinely loved you. What a fool I am. Never again. I can't believe I forgot how you treated me 14 years ago. And I thought you grew up. But you didn't. I HATE YOU. I really want to take the high road and forgive you, but FUCK IT. I think I deserve to hate you. However, I will not let this hate simmer in me. Slowly and surely, you will be gone from my mind. I will not let you have free rent in my mind.

Enjoy moving to the USA thinking it will solve your problems. The problem is with you, you fucking bitch. Realise that already.

Enjoy feeling empty all your life. You deserve it, because you refused to change. The problem is with you, yet you can only blame others.

Enjoy having your friends leave you, because you're a fucking lousy person.

And yes, you're a fucking ah lian. I hate ah lians.

The power of now

I re-read this book called the Power of Now by Eckhart Toile. Probably read this many aeons ago. And re-reading it, I re-learned many things again. 温故知新。

Time in our mind is an illusion. Dwelling in the past; fantasies of the future. They are just all illusions. The most important moment of your life is right now. Not just now, not later. Right now. There is no other moment as important as now. Once you realise that, your problems disappear. What problem do you have right now? There is no problem, only the situation.

Weeks ago, I was cycling around Punggol area near the coast in quite an open area. I wasn't prepared for rain and got caught in a heavy thunderstorm. Probably no rain gear would have helped anyway. I had to stay in a very, very small shelter. The rain was so heavy I got wet anyway. At that moment, I had two choices. To cycle in the very heavy rain (I was very far away from any sort of civilization) or to remain in the shelter, getting a bit wet. I chose to remain in the shelter and accept the situation. I accepted the moment. And once you do that, you're at peace.

It has always been my goal to live in the moment and achieve inner peace. But it kind of got sidelined even though I was aware of it every now and then. But the experience with the crazy ex really was a catalyst for this wake up call. I must say that this relationship and this break up is probably one of the best things to happen in my life. Sometimes, I'm quite pleased at how I can extract opportunity from crisis.

Then again, there is no crisis. There is only now. Live your every moment to the fullest. I still have some ways to go because sometimes I still dwell in the past and think about what ifs. It will take time but we all know how to form habits.

Thank you, crazy ex. What I miss isn't you but the loving feelings I had for someone. I am grateful that I can love beauty in the world. Every moment is precious to me. I will redirect these loving feelings to every moment of my life.

Becoming more generous when you're in love

I read about how oxytocin will make one more generous. I did observe that behaviour in me while I was with the ex. I was more willing to buy things, spend time, and this also applied to people other than her. In fact I was planning to pass her my expensive replica watch since she said her watch was broken. LUCKY she got a new one before I could pass it to her.

It was unfortunate that I spent so much time on her birthday present though. Total cost about $15-20, not that expensive but still... not worth it for someone who left me. Making the roses was quite useful and fun, so not that bad of an investment.

So this is a warning... Even though I knew I was becoming more generous, I couldn't help it. Never commit too much money. I was quite lucky that I picked the cheaper places to eat. That bugger didn't even offer to split, or pay. Lucky I made her pay for her drinks and some stuff.

In the end I think she probably spent a bit more than me. Because of my sister's present. Thank god for my sister's birthday. I love my sister. The main bulk of the money went to her present. I am so pleased that I didn't offer to share the present. So she paid all of the $39.90. WORTH.

Spending money on FAMILY is ok, but never spend too much on girlfriends or even wives. They aren't family. Yes, even wives. Blood is thicker than water. A bond through mere law is nothing. Love never lasts. When the love fades, it all depends on the person's character. A big risk. You may think you made the right choice... But girls these days. Be wary. It's worrying, the things they say. Especially when talking to young girls. You can sense the entitlement.

不攻自破

As I accumulate more experience, I realise the significance of 不攻自破. It comes hand in hand with 走为上. There's no need to be right all the time. Some arguments break down on their own. Sometimes, no action is the best action.

Seeing things self-explode is more satisfying than making things explode.

I finally figured out what was bugging me about her

Since the first day we met as adults, something was bugging me about her. I couldn't figure it out until now. She lacked warmth. She didn't have any love of life. And it showed, albeit subtly, in each and every of her actions. She was hiding it, I believe, but I could sense that something was off. Even her genuine smiles, which were rare, seemed forced. The only time it didn't feel forced was in her photos. Very strange.

And the way she talked... I don't ever remember her laughing about anything I said. (Maybe I sucked at making her laugh, but still...). When I compare the way she talks to people I know... It was like she doesn't really care about you and all the things she said and do was mimicking learned behaviour. Even her hugs and kisses... Didn't feel warm. It was like she was doing it for the sake of doing it. It never seemed like she had fun while she was with me.

And all the alarming things she said about herself... I think she wasn't exaggerating. All the emptiness she felt, the despair. All her mental issues. It all makes sense now. I don't know whether it was my problem or now, and frankly it doesn't matter anymore. I think... she is really broken. And... I can't keep thinking about what happened. I don't miss her though. And I don't really care about her anymore. But she left a deep impression on me. I never knew anyone as broken as her...

A broken doll...

It gives me the shivers now thinking about it...