Ridiculous things my ex said to me

Some are translated from Chinese and may not be exact as I only remember the gist of it.

Ex: Will you take care of me, spoil me, love me?
Me: Yes I will take care of you, spoil you, love you.

Ex: I feel like you don't love me.
[Note that this was only the third time we met]
Me: Why?
Ex: I don't know
Me: I don't feel as close to you in person... Give it some time

Ex: Will you spend your money on me or will you leave me to fend for myself?
Me: I will spend my money on you.

Ex: Will you help me with my tuition questions?
Me: I will, if I have time.

Me: Will you mind not having a wedding?
Ex: Don't want
Ex: It's a once in a lifetime thing
Me: So many people get divorced
Ex: Why marry if you get divorced

Ex: I want to move to the US
Ex: I can get a better career there
Ex: Singapore is such a bad place
Ex: The government, you say something wrong and you get arrested
Ex: Companies here are so inefficient
Me: ...

Ex: Why you never hold my hand
Me: Because I shy

Ex: Why you never hold me
Me: [Holds]

Ex: Why you write letter to my mum
Ex: You're the first guy who ever did

++++++

Actually sounds quite normal right? Out of context they don't sound alarming... But take into consideration she has a load of mental issues, and she brought nothing to the table. She wasn't good at all: short, quick-tempered, childish, naggy, unhappy, damaged beyond repair. Self-entitled despite claiming she has an inferiority complex.

I was too nice to her... And I was genuine about it, too. It could have gone this way:

++++++

Ex: Will you take care of me, spoil me, love me?
Me: Not until you've proven that you aren't just using me.
Me: What do I get in return? What do you do for me?

Ex: I feel like you don't love me.
[Note that this was only the third time we met]
Me: Why?
Ex: I don't know
Me: That's because you don't actually love me. How do you expect to feel loved if you can't love? You never seem happy to see me, and you never laugh at anything I say. You always give me that fake smile. Love comes from within, you dumbass. How do you expect to be loved if you don't love?

Ex: Will you spend your money on me or will you leave me to fend for myself?
Me: Why should I spend all my money on you? You haven't even proven that you wouldn't leave me just like the first time. What do I get in return for spending money on you? Are you an escort? You brought nothing to the table. I gave so much of my time and resources for you. Shouldn't you be the one spending money on me? How about you actually split the bill and not expect me to pay all of the time?

Ex: Will you help me with my tuition questions?
Me: Why should I? It's your job and I have my own life too. I will help you if I have time but how can you expect me to be at your beck and call? I'm not your fucking maid.

Me: Will you mind not having a wedding?
Ex: Don't want
Ex: It's a once in a lifetime thing
Me: So many people get divorced
Ex: Why marry if you get divorced
Me: Because of people like you who can't commit. Why do you think you deserve a wedding?

Ex: I want to move to the US
Ex: I can get a better career there
Ex: Singapore is such a bad place
Ex: The government, you say something wrong and you get arrested
Ex: Companies here are so inefficient
Me: You fucking sheltered girl. Do you know how fortunate you are? And there you are, complaining about all your issues. The problem is you!

Ex: Why you never hold my hand
Me: Why the heck must we hold hands all the time? And why don't you hold my hand instead of complaining about it? Why must I do everything? What have you done to deserve it?

Ex: Why you never hold me
Me: Why you only complain

Ex: Why you write letter to my mum
Ex: You're the first guy who ever did
Me: Of course I did because I was genuinely worried about you. You really expect me to do nothing after sending a cold breakup message so suddenly on my birthday? What a kid. How about you grow up? You blocked me everywhere and left me no choice. What a sadist. I'm sorry, not to you but to myself for actually caring for a cold person like you.

++++++

Anyway, I'm glad that I was nice to her because she probably wouldn't be able to handle the truth. What a broken person. Seriously, she is quite fortunate. Has a proper family, has proper meals, lives in condo. And yet she created so many issues for herself. What a dumb girl. This is a lesson that you should never take things for granted.

Dating is pretty stupid.

So let's sum up the experiences with the dating game last year.

2 dates from Tinder:

1. Met this Japanese girl who didn't match her photos at all. Ok... I'm not so concerned about looks but...
a. she couldn't decide what to eat;
b. end up I decided and bought for her;
c. she asked how much it was just for the sake of asking with no intention of paying;
d. brought her to an exhibition and I even asked beforehand if she was interested in this sort of thing. ended up she was not interested at all. I was genuinely interested but because she wasn't I ended up just speeding through (fuck I'm too nice)
e. after the date just blocked me and ghosted me. very disrespectful, just like every other woman

2. This 20yo girl who super-liked me and did seem like a nice girl but was always damn busy because of her real work. Managed to meet her after a month and this was when I was already in a relationship with my ex. See I already knew that my ex would treat me badly so I did have a backup plan by instinct. Actually I'm quite impressed with my instinct. Anyway I met her as a friend and I would never cheat unlike women. But I don't know why I was so stupid to treat her just because it was her birthday. Ended up she asked for sushi and picking one of the most expensive items on the menu. #GoldDiggerRedFlag. Lucky she treated me back on my birthday albeit it was something cheaper and she totally didn't withdraw money and when she did she withdrew so little. Hahaha. Anyway from our conversations she indirectly told me she was a gold digger straight up. She also said she had so many guys chasing her. But she wants a relationship so badly? And she said she didn't have any relationships before but when I asked in person she said yes but not counted because so long ago and not really "official". I was like, okay, what a joke. #TooManyRedFlags.

1 date from OkCupid:

1. I think this was the most decent girl I've ever met. She liked Japanese stuff like me and she was actually a nice person and split the bill for ramen. And she also spoke Chinese. Unfortunately at that time I got into that toxic relationship with my ex. Anyway the dealbreaker is that she is not really the type to take initiative and I really had enough of that kind of thing.

Btw, online dating is really terrible. The girls get so many messages so even if you get a reply it's probably half-hearted. And they don't need to take any initiative because of the illusion of choice. The game is rigged. Anyway even if the game wasn't rigged the chance of meeting a girl who actually puts in effort is negligible.

Now, how about offline dating? Hahaha let's see there was this girl at work related to our landlord and this guy was trying to matchmake me I think 2 years ago. Talked over coffee and was like hinting me to chase her. I said I wanted to be single but he wouldn't accept it. So I agreed and let him set up a date, at Gardens I think. But then somehow he got back to me and said that it would be better for her to meet as a group. I was like wtf... so fucking shy. This is why I want to be single because girls are so troublesome. Luckily nothing happened. But recently the guy pestered me to add her on Facebook. So I did so that he'll stop nagging. I mean no harm for me anyway. Seriously... why do people want me to chase a girl who has nothing to offer me?

I still don't understand why guys have to take the initiative. When the risks all lie with the guys even though equality is touted you know something is wrong. Dating just means plan dates, pay for girls, impress them, while they don't need to do anything. Relationship/Proposal means spend time and money to impress a girl who'll leave you just because they don't feel like it anymore. Marriage means stuck to a girl who'll hit the wall after a few years and nag at you. I'm not hating on girls but just stating the truth. Maybe this is why so many of my friends are gay or single. Because they know it by instinct, that something is wrong with the world.

For 14 years I have not met a girl who tried to impress me. They all expect you to impress them. What a joke. They have absolutely nothing to offer me. Thus, I have nothing to offer them as well. This is the gynocentric world that we live in. Feminism is fine and all but now girls want to have their cake and eat it too. Go ahead then. There'll always be guys who're dumb enough to fall for girls.

Like me. With my crazy ex. Still very amazed that I dodged that bullet somehow. Girls are not reliable and cannot counted on in relationships. This is both from my personal experience and my observations of others. Especially what happened to my uncle where his wife ran away. And so many instances where women initiated the divorce or cut off the relationship. The truth is, women are the ones with commitment issues. I'm not saying that women are the only ones, but they are more likely to do so. And why would I take the risk? It's very hard to find a girl who'll add value to your life anyway. Getting involved with women has only given me problems. In contrast, guys seem like a better deal. First, guys are more reliable. Second, we share more in common. Third, I don't want kids. So tell me, isn't having a boyfriend better than having a girlfriend? They are more likely to treat you better!

Back from Perth

Managed to visit Central Park, an asset that FCOT owns. The location is really prime and right in the center of the CBD. The top of the building is also very obvious with its Rio Tinto sign (how is it not mistaken as the Rio Tinto building lol). Everytime we drive from the suburbs into the city I see that building. It's also highly visible from King's Park.

Would have loved to cycle around, but this is a extended family trip so it's harder to do so. I like Perth, but I still prefer Singapore. I think many people take Singapore for granted. Obviously going to places as a tourist you tend to see only the good sides of a place. Once you've been to other places you'll realise how cheap and clean Singapore actually is. One of the greatest things about a city is that it is efficient to live in. You don't need cars, and most of the times everything is just a short walk away. I think many people don't appreciate how convenient that is. And the weather? It can be hot, but it is consistent. It doesn't fluctuate so much throughout the day or even throughout the year.

I am still thinking about the crazy ex, and I was thinking about my experience with her while in Perth. I guess it affected me greatly, as compared to the first time she did it to me. It really opened my eyes to how women behave. She was an extreme example, being a supremely broken person. But women... really are the same in many ways. I am much more careful and wary now. I am only thankful that the scales have fallen from my eyes and that I dodged a major bullet. I have nothing but contempt for the way she treated me. Still, if it wasn't for this experience with her, I might end up trapped in some commitment with some truly sweet girl who'll end up milking all my resources. So I am still grateful in some way to her. I have thought about finding some way to tell her mum about her possible BPD, but... it's not worth it. She's just too crazy and massively unstable and who knows what she might do if she found out. She was right. I should grow up and get out of her life. Just let the toxic people in your life go.

It's funny though. All my life I have questioned why guys must chase girls and do so much crap to "prove their love". Why do guys have to take the initiative and do all the work? What's so great about girls? They take more than they give... After trying out "dating", and this wonderful experience with crazy ex, I have realised that. 80% of girls only want things from you. And they are never wrong. Having understood how they work, it's very hard to imagine being with one for the rest of your life. To be very frank, I've been waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet all my life. Now I know why it never happens. The modern woman wants everything but gives nothing. I've been socially conditioned by all the ridiculous blue-pill media.

I have nothing to offer women, and they have nothing to offer me. This may sound sad, but it is actually a very peaceful thing in life. Don't be brainwashed by the world.

Rage period is over?

Ok la, rage period is over. I think it does help in getting over things. But I'm not really fond of getting angry because I feel that it doesn't really help. In fact, as I get older, I find it harder to get angry and to stay angry. I really enjoy living in the moment and there really is no place for anger in the present.

So, a new year. My goals in life are really simple and they are all internal. Being mindful, being joyful, having inner peace, living in the moment. In fact I already achieved them somewhat. It's only a matter of having some consistency. People like to focus on physical health but I believe mental health is equally important. The body and the mind are linked and interdependent. 锻炼身心!

Rage part 2

Damn I don't know why I'm still angry and still writing posts but I need to get it out of my system. Still seriously disturbed.

This bitch was crazy. Kept asking if I loved her. And didn't know why she felt that I did not love her. The answer is VERY SIMPLE. Because she did not love anyone. She's not capable of that. She did not love herself, neither did she love me. How can someone who doesn't love anything feel love? Nothing that I ever do will make her feel loved. Because she's not capable of that in the first place. And that is the simple answer. She said she wanted me to take all the initiative because it would make her feel loved. Hahahaha. What rubbish. What about me? What about making me feel loved? Well for me, I can feel loved without depending on external validation, but the fact that it was always about her says volumes. It was always about her. It was a black hole.

Another crazy question that she asked was if I would spend on her. A big implication that I should spend everything on her. No mention of doing ANYTHING for me that would be worth my assets. Self-entitled princess. And what answer could I give other than yes? What a trap question? Stop asking stupid trap questions. It was only 1 month and you expected me to give my whole life to you? Fucking crazy bitch. What did you ever do to deserve that? The way you treated me in the past, you should be glad I gave you a chance. I gave you a chance only because you were my first love. You treated me like shit. You treated me like food voucher. Like an emotional tampon.

She kept asking for my time and attention. Whether I would help her with her tuition, whether I would help her build some website, whether I would do this, whether I would do this. Fuck it. It was always about HER. I have my own life. What did she ever do for me? NOTHING.

Another trap I fell into. She was always full of laughter in text. But in person she was miserable all the time. And she did mention that she was an unhappy person. So at least she didn't lie about that. She never laughed at whatever I said. That is a big sign that she didn't actually like me. She rarely had a genuine smile. I bet she was just pretending anyway. And those fake smiles that she did... it was so creepy.

Always complaining about life. Always the victim. Everything she did she brought it upon herself. Yet she would never admit it. Always tired and drinking so much coffee just to stay awake. Hahaha it's ridiculous. Obviously she would feel tired since she overloaded her damn schedule. Obviously she would get headaches all the time from substance abuse and overwork. What a stupid girl.

And picking up guys for LTRs through clubbing? Haha what a dumb girl. No wonder your LTRs failed and your guys cheated on you. You are lousy at mate selection. And you think you'll pick better mates through alcohol laded glasses? Hahaha. Dumb. I don't know how they were like but from what little you told me, I'm quite sure I would be the best guy you'd ever have. I was the first guy you picked and you picked me while NOT DRUNK AT LEAST. But you probably dumped me because of another guy. Both times. I'm very, very sure of that. You said you had inferiority complex, but you could go with other guys. Hahahaha. Hypergamy in action even though you are such a lousy person.

And the worst thing is... falling in "love" so quickly and trapping people in relationships because of your sick and twisted need for validation. It was only 2 weeks that we talked and we never even met and you already wanted to trap me in a relationship? Sick girl. I should have known it was too good to be true. You were just playing with my feelings. Fortunately my gut instinct was sending me warning flags the whole time we were together so I wasn't totally blind. I was serious about the relationship but there was a small part of my foot out the door. Lucky I wasn't that blue pill. I'm actually quite lucky to have escaped relatively unscathed.

I could tell. You were just using me. The signs weren't that obvious, and that's why I opted to stay and observe further, to give you further chances. Good that you showed your true colours so quickly. Saved me a world of hurt. You were being flakey anyway, avoiding meeting me like half of the time. Half of it I attributed to true stuff, half of it I knew something was wrong.

I have never met anyone as broken as you. What's your problem? What made you so broken? Seriously, the only reason why you're still in my head is my curiosity. How could you be so broken? And how did guys even love you despite you being so broken? Were you always like this? I don't believe you treated your 4-year ex so badly else it wouldn't have lasted for so long. But then again. Who knows. I'm still curious but it's really none of my business. All I can do is guess.

I'm really glad I brought you to met my parents, my relatives. Btw, it's really no big deal for me for girls to meet my family. Even friends. You probably thought otherwise. Every time after you met them, you would ask me if they liked you. Like seriously wtf? I'm so glad you met them, if not I wouldn't have known how broken you were.

OMG. I still can't believe I got involved with such a broken and crazy girl who threatened to call the police because she couldn't deal with things like an adult. Seriously, the letter I sent to her mum? Part of it was out of desperation, and a small part of it was wanting to troll her. I think it worked. Thank my Scorpio nature for that. I subconsciously did it even though I was devastated at that time. A subtle way of getting revenge. Damn petty, I know but I think it was worth seeing her lousy reaction. To confirm that she was a lousy person and that I was better off without her. Maybe she got angry because she knew I was trying to troll her. Hahaha. I don't think it's that obvious though.

Anyway, this is really the last straw for me. I would love to say that I still believe in love and I still trust girls and this is just an isolated incident. But I've been through so much and met so many girls who disappointed me. I'm done with relationshits. Even girls in general. Especially Singaporean girls. I haven't met anyone who was worth the trouble. All the girls I've met -- they either have some crazy emotional baggage, or they're just plain self-entitled. Or they expect the guys to take all the initiative. There is a reason why so many guys are single. Because they're sick of women's bullshit. And women love waiting. Waiting for that prince on a white horse to save them from their flawed selves. Guys aren't falling for that trick anymore. All you get when you save a damsel in distress, is a distressed damsel. Damaged goods.

P.S. this is the first time I took so many shit tests from a girl. This girl must be the queen of shit tests. There's at least one every day. Imagine that. Your mum was right -- you are gonna chase away guys like that.

Apparently anger makes you get over a breakup

From http://www.vox.com/first-person/2017/1/3/14100360/breakup-survival-strategies

I guess I have about 10% left to get over. There are many things that reminded me of her. For example, I went to NTU today for work. And saw Nanyang Business School poster. Strange huh. NTU is not unique to that bitch. Short hair is also not unique to that bitch. I didn't really feel angry for a while because I felt that it wasn't worth it and that maybe she didn't treat me that badly.

BUT NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT...

This fucking Clara Lim Tze Hui. I would love to forget about this disrespectful bitch. I have never treated her badly, I accepted her, and you know what. I WAS SUCH A FOOL. I am now angry at myself and also at her. Fucking bitch played with my feelings and let me down. Fucking me still giving her rent in my head, despite not wanting to. It is fucking unfair. How can she treat this like a game? How can she take the easy way out and just erase me from her life without me even getting ANY word in? This fucking crazy bitch. Told me so much crazy stuff, knowing that I will worry, and then just went totally cold on me. And blocked me everywhere! Knowing that I will worry about her. This is one sick and twisted bitch. Such a sadist. Fuck you. Btw, I have no intention to do anything to her or contact her or whatever. I also hope she doesn't commit suicide or anything, not that she will because she cut herself not to die but rather to ease her crazy pain. SHE BETTER STAY ALIVE. Because she deserves to suffer. Such a mentally ill person. She only needs to stay alive and she will self-implode on her own. 14 years ago she was already crazy (I didn't know it at that time), and now she has gotten even crazier. 50 fucking soft toys. Hah. What a big loser. She will NEVER be satisfied. She will ALWAYS be unhappy. She can buy all the things she want. Look down on all the people she wants. Hurt all the guy victims she wants. BUT THE HOLE IN HER HEART WILL NEVER BE CLOSED.

It's a fucking BLACK HOLE. A bottomless pit. She can try to fill it all she wants, but it will always be empty. She's a fucking empty doll. Devoid of positive emotions. Heartless. Broke up on my birthday like it's nothing. Think that I'm not hurt at all and didn't give a shit about how I feel. BEING ANGRY with ME for showing concern, even when I should be the one getting angry! Why didn't I get angry? Why the heck didn't I scold her? It's too late now... I really want to swear and curse at her but what will that achieve? That bitch will just call the fucking police because she cannot fucking deal with an ADULT problem. Asking me to grow up -- that is the most ridiculous thing EVER. She's fucking 27 years old and still acting like she's 14 years old. What a joke.

Anyway, she will hit the wall soon. Actually she probably already hit the wall. All the alcohol abuse, the overwork, the cutting. Plus she's not a virgin anymore. So. Damaged goods. Once again I am so glad that I dodged a bullet.

So. Clara Lim Tze Hui. You are fucking crazy and disrespectful to me. I am so glad that you broke up with me. I hope you grow old alone and sad. Because even if you find guys, they will dump you anyway. Like the bitch you are. Please don't mess up other guys life. They deserve better than you. You empty shell. You never grew up. Enjoy being stuck in a 14 year old mind even when you are 50. There is a fucking reason all your exes dumped you. Because any girl is better than you. You only trapped the guy with your false pretense of love and once they realised that you treated them like shit, they left.

Sigh. Why am I so angry anyway. Not like it's gonna change the past. But I think it's better to be angry. So that I will remember this. No need to erase her from my mind, because it will serve as a reminder to me to always be wary of women. Especially women with mental issues. Fucking Clara Lim Tze Hui. Trapped me with a commitment so quickly, making me believe you were committed. Then after that telling me so much crazy stuff about yourself. Revealed all your crazy mental issues after getting me committed. Fucking trap. Sure, it was also my mistake to fall into the trap as well but still FUCKING BITCH. What an evil bitch. Venus flytrap. Asking me to provide everything for you, spend everything on you. Fucking treat me like an ATM and play with my feelings. I bet you quit playing the game because you were so guilty of using me even though you never loved me at all. OH WOW you can actually feel guilt. Nah you didn't feel anything at all. What a cold and hostile bitch.

I am so ashamed that I genuinely loved you. What a fool I am. Never again. I can't believe I forgot how you treated me 14 years ago. And I thought you grew up. But you didn't. I HATE YOU. I really want to take the high road and forgive you, but FUCK IT. I think I deserve to hate you. However, I will not let this hate simmer in me. Slowly and surely, you will be gone from my mind. I will not let you have free rent in my mind.

Enjoy moving to the USA thinking it will solve your problems. The problem is with you, you fucking bitch. Realise that already.

Enjoy feeling empty all your life. You deserve it, because you refused to change. The problem is with you, yet you can only blame others.

Enjoy having your friends leave you, because you're a fucking lousy person.

And yes, you're a fucking ah lian. I hate ah lians.

The power of now

I re-read this book called the Power of Now by Eckhart Toile. Probably read this many aeons ago. And re-reading it, I re-learned many things again. 温故知新。

Time in our mind is an illusion. Dwelling in the past; fantasies of the future. They are just all illusions. The most important moment of your life is right now. Not just now, not later. Right now. There is no other moment as important as now. Once you realise that, your problems disappear. What problem do you have right now? There is no problem, only the situation.

Weeks ago, I was cycling around Punggol area near the coast in quite an open area. I wasn't prepared for rain and got caught in a heavy thunderstorm. Probably no rain gear would have helped anyway. I had to stay in a very, very small shelter. The rain was so heavy I got wet anyway. At that moment, I had two choices. To cycle in the very heavy rain (I was very far away from any sort of civilization) or to remain in the shelter, getting a bit wet. I chose to remain in the shelter and accept the situation. I accepted the moment. And once you do that, you're at peace.

It has always been my goal to live in the moment and achieve inner peace. But it kind of got sidelined even though I was aware of it every now and then. But the experience with the crazy ex really was a catalyst for this wake up call. I must say that this relationship and this break up is probably one of the best things to happen in my life. Sometimes, I'm quite pleased at how I can extract opportunity from crisis.

Then again, there is no crisis. There is only now. Live your every moment to the fullest. I still have some ways to go because sometimes I still dwell in the past and think about what ifs. It will take time but we all know how to form habits.

Thank you, crazy ex. What I miss isn't you but the loving feelings I had for someone. I am grateful that I can love beauty in the world. Every moment is precious to me. I will redirect these loving feelings to every moment of my life.