Now I'm getting angry at myself

Why did I let myself get seduced by her lies?
Why was I so starry eyed at getting back together with a first love?
Why did I agree to a provider role?
Why did I even settle for a broken girl like her?
Why did I lower my standards?
Why did I not stand up for myself?
Why did I give myself up so readily for nothing in return?
Why did I take her crap?
Why was I so willing to spend on her?
Why did I still care for her as a friend, despite her disrespecting me like that?
Why did I not get angry at her?
Why was I so amicable?
WHY WAS I SO BLIND?

This is a reminder that no matter how logical you are, in a heightened state (such as in "love"), you tend to do irrational things.

NEVER AGAIN. Remember this lesson. Because half the world are women and once you get older and more attractive, you may have to ward off crazy women. Hell, people have been trying to matchmake me.

Even if the girl is so attractive that it's worth giving up your singleness, HOLD ON TO YOUR SINGLENESS. Not worth the risk.

What do girls have to offer in a relationshit?

Nothing.

Why are... guys expected to do all the work? My ex, she wanted me to love her, take care of her, spoil her, spend money on her, help her, listen to her, provide for her. And what did she offer in return? Nothing. Nothing but lies and heartache. It was all about her. I was just a resource to her. She didn't love me.

Don't tell me that not all women are like that. Just ask around and open your eyes. ALL WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT. Granted, I have a few female friends that don't seem like that. But they are the exception rather than the rule. And who knows when they will change?

We are brainwashed so badly. Laughingly, girls still expect chivalry. Girls are still portrayed as the "weaker" sex. Guess who are better at psychological attacks? I'm fine with feminism, but not double standards. Girls can't have their cake and eat the whole world too.

Good that Japanese guys have realised it early.

Modern girls are so broken. Don't tell me I just haven't found that special someone. You like to sift through a box of grenades to find the only one that doesn't blow up? It's the same principle.

There is only 1 special someone. And that is yourself. You are complete. Don't believe in mainstream lies about soul mates and marriage and love.

Indifference towards an ex

At first, I was worried about her. Worried that she was badly hurt even though she initiated it.

Then, I was disappointed in her.

Then, I felt pity for her. I felt pity for her future victims. Nobody deserves someone like her. She has to work on herself first before she can ever love someone.

I tried to feel angry. After all, she disrespected me 3 times. 14 years ago, when she suddenly broke up with some lame reason. ~12 years ago, when she shamelessly asked for her school badge back. And 1 month ago, when she suddenly broke up with another lame reason, after pretending that she loved me.

But, no. I couldn't feel angry. Maybe it's because she doesn't even deserve anger from me. She doesn't deserve anything from me anymore. She has never deserved anything from me. I was the one who loved her unconditionally. Now I know, that women cannot love men unconditionally. Women cannot love men the way men love them. Some women can't even love themselves. And that's really sad. But I don't feel sad for her anymore.

I no longer feel anything for her. She has no place in my mind. There's... nothing great about a first love. At first I thought that memories of her still deserved a place in my heart. That my first love should have a place in my heart. Nope. The lessons learned, however, will have a place in my heart. And I thank her for that. This is an emotionless thank you without a hint of gratitude.

My mistake

What was my mistake?

It wasn't doing too little; I did my best
It wasn't not being good enough for her; I am who I am
It wasn't contacting her after so many years; I have no regrets
It wasn't falling in love with her; I enjoyed it
It wasn't being fully committed; It's all or nothing
It wasn't putting your full faith in someone; Because that is love

It was... taking the break up too personally.
It was... taking the relationship too seriously.
It was... being too bluepill.
It was... thinking alpha but doing beta.

Feelings change. Some people are broken. Situations change.

She's not yours. It's just your turn.

AWALT

Why does a man wear a wedding ring?
MAN: It’s a symbol of my commitment to her.
Why does a woman wear a wedding ring?
WOMAN: It’s a symbol of his commitment to me.
-narwhal


I think I dodged a bullet with her

So after talking to many people and listening to their experience with relationships and also reading up on stuff like MGTOW, redpill, breakup advice and borderline personality disorder (BPD), I have a theory on what happened. She wouldn't have a dialogue with me, so I can only come up with my own story. I shall have my CLOSURE.

In the short time we had together, there were many instances where I felt that her behaviour or words wasn't right. Like why would she ask those questions? But I didn't really think much at the time, because those questions were quite cute and also attention drawing. But now that I think about it... Any normal, stable girl wouldn't say such things!

Quotes are from her own words

-"I have quite bad inferiority complex actually"
-"我?forever inferior"
-“从小每个人都看不起我,都把我跟哥哥比”
-“只要你和你的家人不觉得我配不上你可以了啊”
-“以前年少无知,我也没想过我会读到大学,而当时的你在名校,前途一片光明,我当然会觉得不配啊,我也会觉得你的家人, 朋友,会嫌弃我,觉得我配不上你...”
*Low self esteem, self worth, needs external validation

-"Actually I'm a person who will get insecure and jealous too hahaha"
-"Or maybe you dump me or play me then you go find another chubby girl"
-"But I really really scared the same kind of shit happen again lol"
-"Cheating, not loving me anymore, not into me anymore, all those ah"
-"Feels more like 你不爱我"
-"宝贝真的爱我吗?"
-“Every girl will be scared of being left on the shelf in one way or another one ma”
*Fear of abandonment

-"Maybe cause I'm an unhappy person that's why I always try to make people around me laugh hahahahaha"
-"That time you asked me if I have a hole in my heart ma, so many stuff toys"
-"It's called filling up the empty spaces in my heart"
-"Forever depressed ah"
-"I tend to hide everything inside"
-"I'm the I really don't care if I die on the road or I get into accident those kind already hahaha"
-"the 绝望 kind"
-In person, I felt that she rarely had a genuine smile.
*Emptiness, depression

-"You won't 嫌弃 me cause I got very small boobs ah? Hahahahah"
-"Cause from young I always kanna say I airport ma"
-"No eh I don't look that nice on photos"
-When we were out on the Henderson Waves and I wanted to take a selfie together, she declined strongly as she said she not looking good
-Eating disorder (previously)
*Self-image issues? She was anorexic before

-“我怕爱上你,你会让我哭,你会忘记、忽略我咯”
-"Whether I'll be the last or not depends on you baobei" [last gf that I bring to my home]
-In all our talking, I never once heard her say that it was her fault or she took responsibility for her actions or feelings... She was always the victim (However, she was responsible to her students. That's all?). Also seems to blame Singapore for all her problems and thinking going to US will change everything. Even when she says sorry, it feels like she's just saying it for the sake of saying it
-"Loving? Caring? Gives in? I don't know how to describe, But I guess he couldn't take it during the period where I had to rush out my fyp, so he found someone new lor, but it's long ago already B" [4 year ex]
-"After I grad den work lor den had another one year bf but he also cheated on me cause my working hours weird like one kind" [1 year ex]
-She blamed the cheating on her schedule/busy period... But has she ever thought... That it was her?
*Responsibility fully lies on the other person/not her, no sense of responsibility

-Self-inflicted harm

-Alcohol binge (go clubbing, drink a lot, but she stopped a year ago), self-abuse (like she will go gym etc even if she is sick)

-Spending --> I'm not really sure about this, but she seems to be spending a lot on things to give her mum... And I don't know how much she spent on clubbing (maybe someone paid for her)

-The fact that she quit on me so suddenly --> was it a mood swing? I don't know... We mostly texted so I don't know what's she's thinking or what she really feels. But she was REALLY hostile to me after we broke up... So...

-The fact that she felt like I was harassing her even though I only had good intentions --> paranoid?

-"You're my first bf whom I can really talk to normally without arguing or fighting or getting scolded "*Unstable relationships? This part I'm not sure since I don't know the details of her 3 exes. Something must have happened for them to cheat on her. Or maybe she was the one who cheated on them. Who knows? Her relationships were all quite close apart. And apparently got to know from clubbing (alcohol influence?). It feels like she has a lot of exes before but she didn't tell me about them. And falling in love with somebody so quickly (especially online) and wanting to be in a relationship so quickly? Something's wrong.

You know being with her, I sometimes question myself whether I'm sane or doing the right thing. Like she puts ALL the responsibility on me to do the work. I always feel inadequate and like I wasn't doing enough. Probably every thing was my fault and I triggered her anxiety somehow. Her breakup reason was also that I made her feel uncomfortable. I think... from what I learned about her... Is that she is unable to take responsibility for her feelings. I seriously think this is overreaction on her side.

Seriously, I'm not trained or qualified to diagnose this. But it really feels like she has some form of BPD. Maybe not serious, I don't know, it was only a short time I was with her. But sometimes I feel like she was not really present or she was just putting on a mask and pretending. So who knows what she's really like. Now I don't even trust what she said any more. I really think she needs help in some way but you know... It's none of my business and I think I will just get into trouble even if I try. So forget it. NOT WORTH MY TIME. Once bitten, twice shy. Third time's a FOOL.

So these are the few possibilities I have narrowed it down to:
-It is my fault.(At first I thought so... But after thinking about it something didn't feel right about her)
-She has another guy (good riddance then)
-She has BPD (well good riddance, and no point trying to understand why because dating someone with BPD is just not worth it)

So, really, I thank her for breaking up with me so soon. I really dodged a bullet there. It was sad because I did love her and I did wish she would be my first and last love... But you know what, there's no point ascribing so much meaning to first love. GOODBYE, we weren't meant to be.

Looking back on our last conversation



So I was looking back on our last conversation before she went AWOL. I am able to do that now because I've let it all go and detached my emotions. I can look at things objectively now. And it was even more abrupt than I thought! Talking normally and even said I love you then suddenly disappear and cut off all contact, not picking up my calls.

This is too funny. This girl is so ridiculous LOL. I just find it so funny now. How someone can be like this. This will be a funny story to tell: how my ex broke up with me two times the same way: suddenly, without any warning through a message, and how I fell for it again after 14 years.

A leopard never changes their spots

So I remembered the first time she broke up with me. It was also very sudden, without any warning, with a vague reason, and through text message. How could I forget the cruelty and disrespect she showed me then? But to be fair, we were quite young then.

14 years later, the same thing happened! After so many years, the hurt had faded and I trusted her, only be to caught unaware and betrayed. I don't blame myself, because I think it was reasonable to give her a chance. After all we are both mature adults now. I am simply disappointed. I am now glad that I did all those tests, before I grew more attached to her.

It really doesn't matter now, what her reason is. And whether the reason she gave me is real or not. I would have loved for us to at least remain as friends. I thought our connection was genuine. But think about it. Do you really want a friend like this? Someone who could be so cruel to disregard your feelings? Someone so unwilling to communicate their issues? Someone who can walk out on you like that is not worth your time or energy.

Well, it is easy to say that, but a loss is still a loss. Actually, did I even lose anything? There is no loss. I only had shock from what happened. I don't want her back. I am free to see other girls. I gained from this experience, as hurtful as it was. I kind of gained financially, although I paid for our meals together, because overall she spent more than I spent. (Because of the birthday present that she gave my sister. She loved it. I was actually very impressed by that, even though I was the one who picked the present.). And I wouldn't have to go to her friend's wedding, which would probably cost a bomb. And of course I get back all the future cash that I would spend on her. When one door opens, a few other doors open. I have gained a lot. Self-realization, friends, closer friendships, a story to tell. And of course. The biggest thing is Singlehood. With this, I am set free.