24th July

ok. it's pissing to have ur farecard go poof when u need it. so i decided to join the mugging session at 10 later. lucky hougang has a card replacement office. no chance but to take an instant passport photo at some photo store i found lor. the results were not bad lar. except that my face was a bit pissed? tired? dunno. anyway my second eyelid was like showing full force. must be the poor sleep i got yesterday. wonder why this weekend is so crappy. bad weather and everything.

and so.. the mugging session went like this:
2 hours spent on challenging question, rather part of it.
sunnie solved it, well almost. he got 0=0. great discovery.
got out of window. almost lost my father's day.
then walked, no strolled to j8. thanks rain
strolled back.
erm, 2 questions on physics? can't remember.
cards! dai dee. colin was unlucky. i mean super unlucky. as in no twos at all.
sleep. sleep sleep.
wake up. stone.

decided to go dinner at long john. looking forwarded to new stuff, all the grilled stuff. turns out they come only at the end of july. trying to create anticipation huh?! in the end, sunnie and i ordered like four fish/chicken wrap set meals. which come with four cokes and four fries. i added two coleslaws. it was kinda splurging of me lol. i guess sunnie and i were suffering at the second wrap. overestimated our stomach capacity lol! colin was like so laughing at us. he only got 1 fillet-o-fish. because he was feeling unwell. take care man.

and so, the day ended just like this. if everyday was just like this, i would probably top rj from the bottom lol.

oh yeah my sat and fri was spent out of home xia. damn fun! must definitely sleep over more often. too lazy to type out, so just read cam's blog haha.. =p

anyway, i found out that my ABCDEF holds true. i was betting on the fact that GP would be B4. haha. lucky. well, it's time to be more serious about GP. and of course, my favourite four subjects. got the interest but no motivation. i'm still apprehensive about going all out for 4As. don't wanna do too well leh. we'll see la.

well, life is sure getting more interesting. some people just grow on you man. it's like how songs grow on you. their inner beauty just.. sparkles brightly. but it's like i can't reach their inner beauty. hidden below layers. somehow, i think the more education i receive the more reserved i get. kind of sad. what knowledge is power.. i would prefer to just know nothing and be as human as i can be.. i don't want to know what wrongs i have done. of course, that is running away =p running is fun!

searching for my heart-
when it is just right here


found out that xin lin was in taiwan immersion programme too.. how cool! we both changed so much that we didn't recognise each other lol.. until our names were read out.

today, our dear chicky actually fell down with the chair during maths tutorial.. dunno about the details la, someone was saying "i didn't know u were that heavy =p"

well had napfa test retaken today.. was kinda aiming for As la.. somehow didn't happen lol.. guess my fitness level has dropped quite a lot, thanks to this unknown sickness..

well.. i've had this ultimate congestion in my throat nose lungs whatever, and there's like something stuck forever in my little throat.. my doctor said it was due to stress.. it's seriously quite debilitating.. i wake up with my mind still in a blur.. even if it's 9 hours of sleep.. i used to look down on those who are physically weak when i was very healthy.. guess when it comes to me, i can't give a good fight either.. i get exhausted so easily.. lethargic.. and i just feel like running away from everything.. "see a doctor", if it was so easy i would have felt better i guess.. lost all my fighting spirit lar.

plus i have little, or perhaps even no support from my family whatsoever.. it's been like that for years.. sometimes i really envy and hate people who are spoilt by their family.. maybe it's because of my sister.. perhaps i'm biased.. i think she always gets the better treatment.. it's like they think i'm independent so they leave me alone.. when i want to be independent they don't leave me alone.. so it's like all the hate.. sometimes i also blame my parents for not bringing me up properly.. for not teaching me all the life skills.. for passing on all their bad habits.. of course it's not right to do that.. i just can't help it.. somehow they've hurt me from young without knowing it.. of course i can't blame them.. after all, without them i won't be seeing the beauty of being alive.. it's just that there's this emptiness and scars in my heart.. i want to forgive them, and i don't want to.. all the hatred and love.. all the things they've done to hurt me when they say they love me.. i should be thankful for a family but i just can't do it.. can't forgive them.. just wanna run away from everything..

it has been lots of criticism from my parents and sister since young.. somehow all these just hurt me deeply.. so much that i can't receive criticism with an open heart anymore.. even when it's constructive.. it's like i treat every criticism with hostility now.. i may not show it, but there will be tension in my heart somehow.. i guess i'm blaming them for not giving criticism the right way..

this family is like full of hatred, we're always having quarrels.. seriously i don't mind if they don't work that hard and we're poor.. they're always finding material things to fulfil us, like buying all those health supplements etc for our health.. when what i really want is just for them to understand us.. they ask me to understand their hardship and everything, i know their hardship but it's like they're having the attitude that it's only them who's having the hard time and me, having an easy life.. it may be so.. i just feel like pets to them..

i can see the way to resolve everything, i can talk to them.. even though the many times i tried to get through to them fail i know i can still try.. but i just don't want to care anymore. why should i be the one to do this? yes i'm being selfish.

somehow i've started to hate the parents in Singapore after only a few experiences.. this is my bias i guess.. there was one time where i went down a water slide and accidentally knocked a boy and made him cry.. their parents were like so angry and whatever that they begin to scold me.. seriously it's my fault la.. i just feel that they're so protective of their child.. and what's the point of scolding me? what's the point of all the anger.. maybe it feels great to lecture somebody or what.. will it help..

it's all these hatred and emptiness from everything i've gone through.. i can't open my heart anymore.. i'm scared of revealing my heart.. i always thought i was strong, i guess it's just pretence.. i just can't forgive myself for everything.. if i can't forgive myself.. it'll be hard to forgive others..

sometimes i feel as if life is meaningless.. no it's many times.. like i'm just running around with no direction.. i seriously don't feel like getting the very best job and doing well for my exams is what i want.. i don't think i'll feel better if i have all the luxuries in the world.. don't know what motivates me either.. maybe i just want a large sum of money after i retire early and then i can just lead a simple life.. plus i will probably just migrate out of Singapore.. yeah, Singapore is one of the best already.. i just don't feel like i belong here.. heck i don't even know why i chose RJ so readily.. RJ being the closest top JC is just a stupid excuse i give lar.. saying that this is a one in a lifetime chance to go to some top JC is also just patronising.. or even fulfilling my promise that "if i get 6 points i will go to RJ", that was just for fun, i didn't expect to get 6 points.. i feel like i should have gone to VJ.. maybe i will be disappointed at VJ, but there's just this VJ image created in my mind.. and after seeing all the VJ people.. it's like RJ is so.. reserved... I came to JC with the intention of having fun, i'll be frank.. somehow i'm just disappointed. yes there's fun, but well.. i'm enjoying myself at RJ of course, there's just this little feeling that it's not what i want.. well a choice made is a choice made. maybe this is where i have to forgive myself, for making this choice..

well there have been a few that look at my face and say that i'm happy-go-lucky and whatever, just feel dunno-what-feeling man.. guess it's human nature to judge by looks.

okay this is kinda a long post.. honestly, i was restricting what i said in my posts previously.. for quite some time.. i was afraid of revealing my thoughts and feelings, i was afraid my words will offend others. this time, i will be truly honest, at least most of the time =p after all, what's a blog for?!

oh yeah, i've also discovered that girls are pretty sensitive.. a few are even super sensitive towards others but not sensitive about others.. as for boys, they seem to be quite insensitive, both in and out.. at least, most.. haha..

wow this post took like 1 hour to write xia! reminds me of some gp essay lol.. it had better post successfully. time to eat my grapefruit!


happy birthday to shuting!

"love each other, or perish" ?

hey hey.. my blog's kinda abandoned, i guess. =p it's kind of a miracle that i'm actually up so late haha.. it's like sleeping time used to be 9 xia.. well well guess i just can't sleep lar haha.. today was power mugging day man.. 10 to 10 at RJ, classroom A74 man.. wanted to camp in the school with colin and sunnie but guess sunnie's parents won't allow.. if it was only colin and me camping, it would be dangerous to get found out.... and we somehow got found out by the guard at around 8 lar. we weren't actually supposed to use the classroom, but the guard was damn nice, gave us a thumbs up after knowing we would be finishing our work soon and leavin'.. okay lar. it wasn't that productive today lol. talked too much. at least never play any games lar haha! colin also wrote lots of funny crap on the board xia. i only did like half of maths tutorial and half of physics lol. guess it's time to mug huh.. (which was like so rare) although my ct grades make up a veh nice ABCDEF, this kind of grades won't make the cut at all for the promos man! dunno lar, on one hand i just wanna do well, on the other hand i just wanna heck and live some simple life.. instead of being a doctor, earning money, then retire and lead a plain life.. guess i'm not that motivated any more. sometimes i do feel like just going the easy way, Death, but well i still love life and won't want to miss it..

anyway tomorrow(or today) will be Wednesday's timetable, quite cool to have two Weds in a week lol.. especially when Wed is a short school day.. the start of the week and i'm left with little money.. after like having heavy breakfast at cafe cartel and heavy dinner at crystal jade palace restaurant on sat and heavy lunch at pastamania on sun.. dinner was the $2 mcchicky, quite okay i guess... which reminds me. the 20cents for nine star potatoes at burger king, toa payoh is gone! how sad man.. used to buy like 10 boxes lol.

oh well. goin' dreamland baby. nite' and mornin'