twenty

Yeah, another change in address. I have changed the subdomain names many times. It all started with auroralight. Then came sorrowfuldelight, gleamstreet and finally this. My dreams have changed over the years. I don't know if I have changed much, because there's a part of you that never changes-

As I near twenty, I begin to accept myself. I want to be true to myself. The hardest thing to is be true to yourself, because to be true to yourself means to be true to others.. I think.

Genmai chagayu?

Today I followed the recipe of brown rice and green tea porridge. (genmai chagayu, another version of chagayu that the Japanese eat after the New Year's feast to restore balance to the body)

too hungry to not eat =P

I started by cooking the brown rice in some salted water, then I threw the tea bag in (yep, the cheap way). I left it to simmer for a while. I had planned to leave the tea bag in forever, but I accidentally tore it. I was afraid that the tea leaves would spill out, so I took the tea bag out after a while.

45 minutes later


I stir-fried pork with sesame oil and palm oil, with some white pepper as seasoning. [I hate black pepper, man] Then I turned off the heat and put pork, lettuce, parsley, dried onions and pickled lettuce into the porridge.

Results
The pork was delicious. (Haha, of course, I mean how do you screw up cooking meat?)

The whole concoction was quite good, but the smell of jasmine was too strong. It just didn't fit. If it was just brown rice and tea, then I think it would be okay. I only have jasmine green tea, so I had no choice. Next time I will cook it with green tea.

Cough*Cough*

Once again, I am down with flu. Oh crap, did I just say that. I do not know what my illness is. I just know I have a cough, lots of phlegm and I feel terrible. My brain is cloudy and my body is aching.

The doctor at my camp sucks. Totally. I think he was forced to be one or something. Or perhaps the army is ordering him to be mean to soldiers. Because, he doesn't really pay much attention. Somemore, he gave me antibiotics after just checking my body with a stethoscope. Antibiotics! Erythomycin. No wonder bacteria are being more and more resistant to it.

As for the rest, it's the usual stuff.. Panadol, etc. Aimed at curing the symptoms. So that one can continue working with less unease. What grief.

I need sleep. Pure, unadulterated sleep. Not sleep with mosquitoes biting me here and there like they did last night. Not sleeping at 12 and waking up at 6. I need around 8 hours of sleep. And I ain't not getting it. Since I got posted to this camp, I have not been able to sleep earlier. This is because I am infinitely accustomed to sleeping in tranquil surroundings. Not the din and light that exists in my bunk. I hate it. I cannot sleep even with peaceful music on. Music stimulates me. I need silence. I cannot even hear a pin drop.

Normally, the noise level is quite ok and I can turn off half the lights. But sometimes, I just cannot take it. Especially a certain someone who loves to talk on the phone. Now I don't really mind people talking on the phone late at night as long as they don't disturb me. But some people talk too loudly. Either they know it or not, they just do it anyway and that's all that matters. There's no excuse. I mean, I don't mind if they talk loudly before 10 or what.. But well..

Actually, I get irked when people talk on the phone for so long. Why? I hate talking on the phone. Dai kirai. The sound quality sucks and I don't get to see the other person's expressions. Requires money and emits radio waves. An extra burden to carry along just because everyone is so dependent on it. It is also an escape from reality, because you are no longer in the moment and you cannot appreciate people in it. If I could dump handphones, I would. But generally, I am okay with using handphones when it is required. Just don't expect me to rush to it when I am taking a bath.

It would be great if people try not to cycle on pavements, especially on pavements where there are a lot of people. This kind of people really irritate me. They ring and ring their way through the crowd. I cannot even walk in peace. Irritating shit.

Nowadays, it's getting harder to sleep in camp. For some reason, my body tenses up when I lie on my bunk bed. It is painful and prevents me from getting to sleep. Stress maybe? After all, it is hard not to be stressed when you are doing something you don't like and are forced to do.

I need a time out.

What major is right for you?

You Scored as English/Journalism/Comm

You should strongly consider majoring (or minoring) in Communication, English, Film, Journalism, Literature, or Writing.

It is possible that the best major for you is your 2nd, 3rd, or even 5th listed category, so be sure to consider ALL majors in your OTHER high scoring categories (below). You may score high in a category you didnt think you would--it is possible that a great major for you is something you once dismissed as not for you. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it.

Consider adding a minor or double majoring to make yourself standout and to combine your interests. Please post your results in your myspace/blog/journal.

English/Journalism/Comm

81%
Biology/Chemistry/Geology

75%
Psychology/Sociology

75%
Visual&PerformingArts

69%
Physics/Engineering/Computer

69%
French/Spanish/OtherLanguage

69%
History/Anthropology/LiberalArts

63%
HR/BusinessManagement

56%
Religion/Theology

56%
Education/Counseling

56%
Accounting/Finance/Marketing

50%
Mathematics/Statistics

50%
Nursing/AthleticTraining/Health

38%
PoliticalScience/Philosophy

38%


English? Of all things? While it is true that I love the English language.. I have never thought to endeavor in a career related to it.. This warrants a second thought.. Good quiz.

A pledge

There is so much beauty in the world but I cannot appreciate it.
I have lost my childishness; I allowed it to happen.
I have lost my passion for life; the vigour I had when I was sixteen.
Yes, I feel old and jaded.

I remembered the times when I laughed at old age; thinking it was far away.
Yet it has come to haunt me, I feel as though I am residing in the wrong body.
I look at my face and I think, is that me?

Some things lost will never return.
However, I believe that, one day, I will remember the childishness and vigour I had.
I will break free from my shackles, and live.

Free, of the past and the future, of times that do not belong to us.
Rise, from the depths of the murkiness and receive light.
That is the pledge to myself.

111 days to ORD!
I have done the myORD quiz and I am dismayed to find out that even after I ORD I will still be shackled. A different kind to say the least, but being bound is being bound. Must do IPPT test every month, must notify before going overseas. Etc etc. OH WELL.

He who knows he has enough is rich.

There's just so much

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday

from American Beauty

Let freedom ring

Once I'm out of the army, I'm going to bake all the melon pans I want. It's not that I don't have the time to do it currently, just that army saps me of my vitality. I have not much mood to sustain anything that requires much investment of time and energy. I chose to let the army sap me of my vitality and I don't intend to turn back on that decision. A few months more and I will be liberated. Perhaps, I will fall into yet another cage, but no cage is worse than what I'm in now. At least I can say that now, because I am in a nightmare and it has yet to ceased. People can provide excuses for serving NS but I think all that hypocrisy. "It will toughen you up, baby.." "Good time to be a man!". All of these are just kind words to remind you that no, you have not served in vain, it has molded you, it is compulsory education to be a man! So that you will not think back on those 2 years and think, "oh, what have I been doing?" Parents can proudly say, my son has become a man! If not for NS, he'll still be a sissy. Now, I'm bitter about having to serve and I will always be forever bitter. I don't fancy doing something coerced upon me. All ns has done is to show me the dark side of society. I don't mind being unsheltered, but to be done in such a way!

There is one thing that I have kept in my heart, which I have withheld because walls have ears and I am afraid of repercussions. But my blood is boiling and I am proud; I will say this: I do not like NS, because I have to listen to orders from "superiors" who are less educated! If they had character I could look up to, I would not complain. We are treated as free labour, and that severely wounds my pride. That's what the problem is. We are just there for the sake of being there, to serve an unknown cause. The first few months of army, at least we are trained somewhat like soldiers, the rest, is just being there to do things which people dislike doing. Like throwing rubbish, clearing drains, sweeping floors.. To clear my own rubbish is one thing, to clear other people's rubbish, I cannot stand the shame! And their arrogance! Just because we never sign on, we have to do the shit. I feel like I'm punished.

But it's okay. If all goes well, it will be over by the end of the year. And if I can survive 1 and a half years, I sure as hell can survive some 4 months.