Being Single

As my friends start getting married, I sometimes think about how nice it would be to have a girlfriend. I like being single. Freedom is so important to me. But it's just that, I'm still attracted to girls. But, I haven't really felt any chemistry with anybody. Is there someone like that out there? Is it okay to wait for that someone, even knowing that that someone might never appear?

You know, I'm just tired of taking the initiative and everything. There was a time when I was really happy to do that, but you know what, I just hate to chase girls. In the first place, why do guys have to chase girls? I don't know. It's just so boring for me.

I really hate girly girls. Most girls I've met are like that, I guess. I like strong, courageous, practical, interesting, knowledgable women.

Someone who would spend more time on being a better person rather than polishing their looks.

Someone who would talk about meaningful things rather than material stuff, events that don't matter, and boring people(idols).

Someone who can be my best friend and soulmate.

Someone who sweeps me off my feets.

The looks don't really matter. Someone tall and beautiful would be a bonus though.

I can dream, can't I? Just let me dream for once. I'm usually such a realist.

Yes, it would be so nice to find someone I have chemistry with. Yes, it would be so nice if I didn't have to look so hard.

But it's okay. As I get older, the pool only gets larger. After all, innately, girls prefer older men.

Then again, it doesn't really matter. What's so great about girls anyway?

Emotions

Do you run from a bear because you're scared, or are you scared because you run away?

Do you smile because you're happy, or are you happy because you smile?

Sometimes, cause and effect isn't that straightforward.

For example, it is possible we experience some bodily reaction, then we attribute some meaning to it. In one famous experience, a female researcher approached men in two situations: 1. a very shaky bridge over a deep gorge. 2. a safe, sturdy bridge. Men in the dangerous situation rated the female researcher to be more attractive.

So perhaps the thought process is: I feel excited. Why? Maybe because I'm in love with this person. So a tip for dates: bring your dates to arousing situations (like theme parks).

Also, why people who get rejected may end up "loving" their target more. Being rejected brings a torrent of feelings. How to explain that? "Because I'm still in love with this person".

Girls

My first "girlfriend" was my friend's sister. We started chatting a lot on MSN. Nobody knew that we got together and the secretiveness was quite a thrill, for a while. I would travel 45 mins from school to a public library at a shopping mall near her school. Lol, a date at a library. I guess I was pretty lame then. We exchanged school badges. But for some reason, she wanted to break up after a while. Years later, she would ask me to return her school badge. And for some reason, I agreed and actually traveled all the way, for 1 hour, to return some lame badge, and then 1 hour, back home. I probably wouldn't have done that now.

My second "girlfriend" was someone I met on IRC. Lol, I guess online chat was pretty convenient for a shy guy like me. We texted a lot (see a pattern there?) and that resulted in bill bombs. Thousands of SMSes. Those were the days when SMS was very popular among schoolkids. Anyway, she played really hard to get, even though I really wanted to meet her, and it was a long while before we actually met in real life. I guess, she was nervous too. Hell, she even met me with a friend. Lol. If I remember correctly, that was the day we texted about going steady, or something. It's fuzzy. Nothing really happened after that. I guess it just fizzled out. Plus the fact that I was quite the wimp back then.

To me, it felt so one-sided. It felt like I was the only one putting in the effort. After that, I stopped caring anymore. Being a nice guy wouldn't bring you anywhere, anyway. I didn't want to be used by girls anymore. Then I also got tired of taking care of my sister. Why can't I be the one taken care of? I thought. Something broke in me.

After that, I had some more encounters. As the Chinese says, "tao hua yun". Moteki, in Japanese. A time when someone suddenly becomes very attractive and popular. I guess I had that kind of time, too, huh.

During my first 3 months, I noticed quite some interest from certain girls, to the extent that someone even remarked, "wow you really have some tao hua yun going, huh?". But nothing much happened. And then, someone proposed that we be pretend girlfriends/boyfriends. I think she was interested in me. And then there was another girl from China who wanted to be my girlfriend or something. Bah. I guess I didn't really show any interest back.

After that first 3 months, I went to another school. And there...... well. I had interests from some girls. There was one who I don't how we got to know each other but we started texting on Valentine's Day, which was her birthday. I must have passed by her birthday celebration in the canteen or something. Can't really remember. Too bad. She was so pretty, somemore. Then there was another, whom owed me hugs. That was a shame as well. I guess I screwed up. I did have some trouble of my own during that time, too. Hell, at one time, a junior even asked me to go to the stairs in the morning just to confess to me. I rejected her though. But well, it was quite the fresh experience for me. Oh, there was the Taiwan exchange programme. Taiwanese girls are so cute. Oh, I also met someone I knew previously, from another school, and somehow, she got interested in me. That was, until the smoke cleared and she realised I was a wimp who couldn't make any moves.

And... I guess that was the end of my moteki. I went to army. Oh wait. Something did happen then. I did ask a girl a few times out, and we got quite close, having similar interests and all. But I guess I was a bit immature then. I was pissed off at her for a few things, like always being late. But I didn't really talk to her honestly. Geez... I'm so bad. So sorry.

Finally, army was done. I didn't expect anything to happen in university, and I guess... Nothing really happened. Well, I may have said some sweet things to some girls and then bailed, or I might have met an old flame who became interested in me for the second time but I rejected her, sort of. But well, it was pretty much uneventful. That's good.

In the end, I... couldn't do anything. Maybe I was scared or what. But, I was really such a loser. Sorry, to all those that I hurt. I guess it would be easy to say, "I just have bad luck with girls, huh?". But I know that is probably not true. I'm just lousy.

Looking back, I can't say I really regretted what I did or did not do. Those were great learning experiences. Well, it could have been better, but it could have been worse too. I just wonder what would have happened if things unfolded differently. But I guess the past is the past. Everything that happened made me who I am today.

I am much more confident and stronger now, but I still can't really trust girls. (Friends are okay, of course). Sad, huh? It's okay. I'll take my time to move on. I still have years ahead of me. For guys, the older he gets, the larger the pool of fishes. So it's okay. And even if I don't see any fishes I like, it's okay. For me, my highest priority is to find peace with myself. That's all there is to it.

P.S. To those who are wondering, the "furthest" I got was a kiss. If you're reading this now, my first kiss, you were my first and only kiss. You'll probably be very shocked if you knew that. Hahaha. I'm quite amazed too, myself.

Mayu Watanabe, cyborg idol

Isn't she cute?! I started getting interested in AKB48 after watching AKB0048, an anime about singing idols in a sci-fi setting. In the anime, Mayuyu is a real cyborg, lol (inside joke?).

But of course, she's just a normal human in real life (or is she?!). She got the nickname of "cyborg idol" because of her constantly cute expression (I think) and she never seems to run out of energy.

In this PV, she's portrayed as a cyborg as well (lol!).

Damn, she's really cute! Marry me please!