The power of now

I re-read this book called the Power of Now by Eckhart Toile. Probably read this many aeons ago. And re-reading it, I re-learned many things again. 温故知新。

Time in our mind is an illusion. Dwelling in the past; fantasies of the future. They are just all illusions. The most important moment of your life is right now. Not just now, not later. Right now. There is no other moment as important as now. Once you realise that, your problems disappear. What problem do you have right now? There is no problem, only the situation.

Weeks ago, I was cycling around Punggol area near the coast in quite an open area. I wasn't prepared for rain and got caught in a heavy thunderstorm. Probably no rain gear would have helped anyway. I had to stay in a very, very small shelter. The rain was so heavy I got wet anyway. At that moment, I had two choices. To cycle in the very heavy rain (I was very far away from any sort of civilization) or to remain in the shelter, getting a bit wet. I chose to remain in the shelter and accept the situation. I accepted the moment. And once you do that, you're at peace.

It has always been my goal to live in the moment and achieve inner peace. But it kind of got sidelined even though I was aware of it every now and then. But the experience with the crazy ex really was a catalyst for this wake up call. I must say that this relationship and this break up is probably one of the best things to happen in my life. Sometimes, I'm quite pleased at how I can extract opportunity from crisis.

Then again, there is no crisis. There is only now. Live your every moment to the fullest. I still have some ways to go because sometimes I still dwell in the past and think about what ifs. It will take time but we all know how to form habits.

Thank you, crazy ex. What I miss isn't you but the loving feelings I had for someone. I am grateful that I can love beauty in the world. Every moment is precious to me. I will redirect these loving feelings to every moment of my life.

Becoming more generous when you're in love

I read about how oxytocin will make one more generous. I did observe that behaviour in me while I was with the ex. I was more willing to buy things, spend time, and this also applied to people other than her. In fact I was planning to pass her my expensive replica watch since she said her watch was broken. LUCKY she got a new one before I could pass it to her.

It was unfortunate that I spent so much time on her birthday present though. Total cost about $15-20, not that expensive but still... not worth it for someone who left me. Making the roses was quite useful and fun, so not that bad of an investment.

So this is a warning... Even though I knew I was becoming more generous, I couldn't help it. Never commit too much money. I was quite lucky that I picked the cheaper places to eat. That bugger didn't even offer to split, or pay. Lucky I made her pay for her drinks and some stuff.

In the end I think she probably spent a bit more than me. Because of my sister's present. Thank god for my sister's birthday. I love my sister. The main bulk of the money went to her present. I am so pleased that I didn't offer to share the present. So she paid all of the $39.90. WORTH.

Spending money on FAMILY is ok, but never spend too much on girlfriends or even wives. They aren't family. Yes, even wives. Blood is thicker than water. A bond through mere law is nothing. Love never lasts. When the love fades, it all depends on the person's character. A big risk. You may think you made the right choice... But girls these days. Be wary. It's worrying, the things they say. Especially when talking to young girls. You can sense the entitlement.


As I accumulate more experience, I realise the significance of 不攻自破. It comes hand in hand with 走为上. There's no need to be right all the time. Some arguments break down on their own. Sometimes, no action is the best action.

Seeing things self-explode is more satisfying than making things explode.

I finally figured out what was bugging me about her

Since the first day we met as adults, something was bugging me about her. I couldn't figure it out until now. She lacked warmth. She didn't have any love of life. And it showed, albeit subtly, in each and every of her actions. She was hiding it, I believe, but I could sense that something was off. Even her genuine smiles, which were rare, seemed forced. The only time it didn't feel forced was in her photos. Very strange.

And the way she talked... I don't ever remember her laughing about anything I said. (Maybe I sucked at making her laugh, but still...). When I compare the way she talks to people I know... It was like she doesn't really care about you and all the things she said and do was mimicking learned behaviour. Even her hugs and kisses... Didn't feel warm. It was like she was doing it for the sake of doing it. It never seemed like she had fun while she was with me.

And all the alarming things she said about herself... I think she wasn't exaggerating. All the emptiness she felt, the despair. All her mental issues. It all makes sense now. I don't know whether it was my problem or now, and frankly it doesn't matter anymore. I think... she is really broken. And... I can't keep thinking about what happened. I don't miss her though. And I don't really care about her anymore. But she left a deep impression on me. I never knew anyone as broken as her...

A broken doll...

It gives me the shivers now thinking about it...

Unbalanced relationship / I was just an ATM, an emotional tampon

In her own words: "Will you support me then? And spend on me or buy stuff for me?"
Then a few lines later: "Buying things is too mainstream" "Just as why I like the roses you made for me"

The first one are probably her true thoughts and the second, just her justification for why I didn't spend a bomb on her.

When she was going to buy avocado milkshake for her mum and I. She asked me to order and she would pay. Shows her reluctance to do things for me. She probably wanted me to order so that she would feel like I "provided" for her.

Would ask me if I would spend time doing a tuition platform for her. (Do you know how big this kind of project is). I said if I'm not busy. She probably expected me to put that as top priority.

Acting like she is always lost and has a bad sense of direction. (From my observation, she could get to places. And especially to my home)

Never offered to pay, ever. Granted the amounts were small so I didn't ask to split. Sorry I don't believe in guys paying. At the dim sum place, when she wanted to buy some salted egg buns after the first round, I asked her to go buy. (I bought the first round, at the counter, by myself). She said, "我怕你寂寞“. I couldn't catch what she said so I asked her to repeat and she said the same thing. Now I know, it was because it was so strange a thing to say that I didn't catch it. It sounds sweet and I probably was supposed to react in a sweet way but I didn't really because reflexively I knew it was bullshit. Probably a woman's way of asking me to buy it for her. I mean, you didn't seem to care whether I was lonely when I was buying the first round? And if I go and buy at the counter, wouldn't you and I both be lonely? See, this is what women do. Covert manipulation. And don't tell me not all women are like that. I have begun to observe women behaviour more and I noticed a lot of things.

Poured all her emotional troubles, insecurities, complaints on me. I suppose a lot of things she did was to evoke the white knight in me. It worked mostly. A tiny part of me was still very on guard though. But it didn't prevent me from getting hurt.


I probably only really asked her for two things (it was kind of a joke though):

1. Hold my hand once in a while
2. Buy a game for me so that we can play together

And she said no, adamantly. Of course the problem with 1 is that it'll become an obligation. It wouldn't feel natural. But it was a good test of her commitment.

I see now that she was just using me. Of course, she wouldn't think that way. It's just how they behave. I don't blame her. But I blame myself for being so blind and accepting. I have written a lot of posts on this. That's because I would like this to serve as a giant warning for myself.

Never save a damsel in distress. All you get is a distressed damsel.

Especially damsels not worth saving.

Once again. What did she give me? Nothing. Nothing but heartbreaks. 14 years ago until now. She can't love someone. Her love is learned behaviour and not from her heart. 

I feel used. It left a bad taste in my mouth.


I have always wondered why guys have to pursue girls. What makes them the prize? So for years I have been confused. Because I never chase girls. And people would tell me to do so. Why? It's a gynocentric world. I'm tired of trying to fit in. 

Why did she wait so long to break up with me?

Looking back. She was already acting strange when she came to my place on 11 Oct. I believe she was thinking about breaking up them. But why did she not do it?

Simple. Her birthday was 16 Oct. I met her on 15 Oct to give her her birthday present. She was simply waiting for the present before saying bye. She was also acting strange on 15 Oct.

Shortly after, I told her my sister bought a 80cm snorlax for her but it will take a while to reach because of shipping from China. She asked me when the snorlax will come a few times. It took so long that it was gonna reach my birthday soon and she'll have to give me a present.

I guess it was then she decided it wasn't worth the wait anymore.

Good. I saved some resources, especially the part about attending her friend's wedding, which would have cost a bomb. Btw I also suspect that she wanted to break up because she was scared I would be awkward and not show the world that I love her at the wedding/in front of her friends. All because I exaggerated my shyness and awkwardness. Hahaha. It was a good move on hindsight.

Fortunately my sister was able to sell the snorlax on Carousel. So we recouped the cost. Actually I was thinking about trolling her by giving the mother the snorlax (her mum would have loved it.), if she could not sell it.

Man, this is actually really funny. I will look back on this episode fondly. All the stupid things I did and believed in. I was stupid to believe in love, and stupid to attach so much importance to a "first love". Most importantly, so stupid to be suckered into a provider role. This was a good catalyst to my MGTOW life. I mean, I was already almost MGTOW. While in this last relationshit, I was comparing between being single and being with someone. Sure, it is unfair to compare single to a lousy person like her, but you know what? It doesn't matter.

Did we even like each other?

Now that I think about it, I'm not very sure if I was physically attracted to her, or she to me.

We had 6 dates. Only on the first 3 dates did she smile when we met. I didn't really think too much about it at that time, but on hindsight... And she rarely smiled or laughed while we were together. She didn't seem to enjoy my company. And sometimes, she would put on a forced smile. So was it all a pretense that she liked me? Was she just playing with my feelings?

Her body language just made me quite uncomfortable, now that I think about it. I didn't really feel the urge to kiss her or touch her because her body language wasn't really inviting. I doubt her interest level was that high as she never, ever initiated any touches beyond the first 2 dates. I'm quite sure that I smiled and laughed a lot, which means I enjoyed her company. I don't think she enjoyed mine as much. I never really felt awkward when I was with her, although she thinks that my awkwardness made her feel uncomfortable. When in truth, she was the one uncomfortable with me. I'm quite sure her saying that she was "nice and comfortable" with me a lie. Maybe it was just a feedback loop. Whatever. Crazy girl. She kept asking if I really liked her, if my family liked her, if my relatives liked her. Fucking insecure. Was it a mistake to bring her to meet them? Hell no. It probably shortened the length of my misery. Poor girl probably thinks the guy must be REALLY into them because they are in a relationship. Omg so insane. The BPD is real.

My sensitiveness is really a double-edged sword. On one hand I notice too much, and then I get overwhelmed that I don't process some of the signals. And then I end up thinking too much. And I think this time I'm right. So her reason that she broke up because she felt uncomfortable was probably right. But this is really her problem. I'm so glad I dodged a bullet. Let her think it's all my fault. It's fine really.

Who the hell goes into a relationship so quickly?! Even before meeting up?! I mean, it's not that I didn't like her or anything, but going into a relationship doesn't mean instant love. However it means commitment. And the way she broke that commitment; it's very WRONG of her. I don't even care that she broke up, but it's the way she broke it. No dialogue, unilateral decision. And on my birthday too. What terrible behaviour. And a horrible person too. Why? Because I think she'll never change her behaviour, and hence she'll remain a horrible person. 14 years ago, she was like that, and she has NEVER grown up. Fancy telling me to grow up. What a joke. She's 27 years old for goodness sake.

Argh. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. I'll be very surprised if she gets married. In fact, she'll probably continue to have a few unstable short term relationships. Oh wait, no... I won't be surprised. There are guys out there who are suckers for this sort of girl. Well, good luck to them. And better them than me. Peace out.

I can't get over the way she left me

I'm really glad that she left me. I mean, I could sense that something was wrong with her, although I couldn't really put my finger on it, having little experience with relationshits. I chalked it up to new relationshit nerves, but now I know. My intuition was right. She probably never loved me in the first place. She was only interested in what I could provide (as all girls do). And she had so many red flags. And complains so much. And she has no love for 2 of my greatest loves: nature and cycling(or just sports in general). I would have left her eventually, as she was definitely not marriage material. Nor was she even long-term relationship material. She just can't handle one. And the way she quit on me just proves my case. It's not about the quitting but rather the way she handled it.

I have totally no problem with her leaving me. I have never needed her and I don't want her anymore. This is a girl who has hurt my feelings so many times, with or without remorse. I'm just so upset at the way she left me. How can she say that she loved me right BEFORE she decided to leave me? That is so mind boggling. I know women are like that, but really. It is just too hard for me to accept. And she had to leave me hanging for 5 days after she had already decided, deciding to tell me on my BIRTHDAY. This girl has fucking ZERO sympathy. The only sympathy she has is at least telling me instead of ghosting, which I appreciate a little. Fuck women and their covert communication. I still can't believe I was so worried about her cutting herself because I thought that even though she initiated the breakup, she might be hurt. What was I thinking! Why would she be hurt when she has ZERO sympathy for me. I was such a fool. I'm so angry that I was such a fool.

Anyway, I know I should not be giving this issue free rent in my head. Logically I can deal with it but emotionally it's just... a bit hard. I'm not angry at her; she's not worth my anger. But I am rather angry at myself for taking this personally. I think that she was trying to hurt me when really she's just a sucky person. As someone who knows generally good people, it is heartbreaking to know there are people like this. And I know it will only color my future relationships with women in general. It already did. I totally understand the red pill, but it's still bitter.

Now I'm getting angry at myself

Why did I let myself get seduced by her lies?
Why was I so starry eyed at getting back together with a first love?
Why did I agree to a provider role?
Why did I even settle for a broken girl like her?
Why did I lower my standards?
Why did I not stand up for myself?
Why did I give myself up so readily for nothing in return?
Why did I take her crap?
Why was I so willing to spend on her?
Why did I still care for her as a friend, despite her disrespecting me like that?
Why did I not get angry at her?
Why was I so amicable?

This is a reminder that no matter how logical you are, in a heightened state (such as in "love"), you tend to do irrational things.

NEVER AGAIN. Remember this lesson. Because half the world are women and once you get older and more attractive, you may have to ward off crazy women. Hell, people have been trying to matchmake me.

Even if the girl is so attractive that it's worth giving up your singleness, HOLD ON TO YOUR SINGLENESS. Not worth the risk.

What do girls have to offer in a relationshit?


Why are... guys expected to do all the work? My ex, she wanted me to love her, take care of her, spoil her, spend money on her, help her, listen to her, provide for her. And what did she offer in return? Nothing. Nothing but lies and heartache. It was all about her. I was just a resource to her. She didn't love me.

Don't tell me that not all women are like that. Just ask around and open your eyes. ALL WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT. Granted, I have a few female friends that don't seem like that. But they are the exception rather than the rule. And who knows when they will change?

We are brainwashed so badly. Laughingly, girls still expect chivalry. Girls are still portrayed as the "weaker" sex. Guess who are better at psychological attacks? I'm fine with feminism, but not double standards. Girls can't have their cake and eat the whole world too.

Good that Japanese guys have realised it early.

Modern girls are so broken. Don't tell me I just haven't found that special someone. You like to sift through a box of grenades to find the only one that doesn't blow up? It's the same principle.

There is only 1 special someone. And that is yourself. You are complete. Don't believe in mainstream lies about soul mates and marriage and love.

Indifference towards an ex

At first, I was worried about her. Worried that she was badly hurt even though she initiated it.

Then, I was disappointed in her.

Then, I felt pity for her. I felt pity for her future victims. Nobody deserves someone like her. She has to work on herself first before she can ever love someone.

I tried to feel angry. After all, she disrespected me 3 times. 14 years ago, when she suddenly broke up with some lame reason. ~12 years ago, when she shamelessly asked for her school badge back. And 1 month ago, when she suddenly broke up with another lame reason, after pretending that she loved me.

But, no. I couldn't feel angry. Maybe it's because she doesn't even deserve anger from me. She doesn't deserve anything from me anymore. She has never deserved anything from me. I was the one who loved her unconditionally. Now I know, that women cannot love men unconditionally. Women cannot love men the way men love them. Some women can't even love themselves. And that's really sad. But I don't feel sad for her anymore.

I no longer feel anything for her. She has no place in my mind. There's... nothing great about a first love. At first I thought that memories of her still deserved a place in my heart. That my first love should have a place in my heart. Nope. The lessons learned, however, will have a place in my heart. And I thank her for that. This is an emotionless thank you without a hint of gratitude.

My mistake

What was my mistake?

It wasn't doing too little; I did my best
It wasn't not being good enough for her; I am who I am
It wasn't contacting her after so many years; I have no regrets
It wasn't falling in love with her; I enjoyed it
It wasn't being fully committed; It's all or nothing
It wasn't putting your full faith in someone; Because that is love

It was... taking the break up too personally.
It was... taking the relationship too seriously.
It was... being too bluepill.
It was... thinking alpha but doing beta.

Feelings change. Some people are broken. Situations change.

She's not yours. It's just your turn.


Why does a man wear a wedding ring?
MAN: It’s a symbol of my commitment to her.
Why does a woman wear a wedding ring?
WOMAN: It’s a symbol of his commitment to me.

I think I dodged a bullet with her... BPD girl?

So after talking to many people and listening to their experience with relationships and also reading up on stuff like MGTOW, redpill, breakup advice and borderline personality disorder (BPD), I have a theory on what happened. She wouldn't have a dialogue with me, so I can only come up with my own story. I shall have my CLOSURE.

In the short time we had together, there were many instances where I felt that her behaviour or words wasn't right. Like why would she ask those questions? But I didn't really think much at the time, because those questions were quite cute and also attention drawing. But now that I think about it... Any normal, stable girl wouldn't say such things!

Quotes are from her own words

-"I have quite bad inferiority complex actually"
-"我?forever inferior"
-“以前年少无知,我也没想过我会读到大学,而当时的你在名校,前途一片光明,我当然会觉得不配啊,我也会觉得你的家人, 朋友,会嫌弃我,觉得我配不上你...”
-kept asking if I loved her, if my parents liked her, if my relatives liked her [to find quotes]
*Low self esteem, self worth, needs external validation

-"Actually I'm a person who will get insecure and jealous too hahaha"
-"Or maybe you dump me or play me then you go find another chubby girl"
-"But I really really scared the same kind of shit happen again lol"
-"Cheating, not loving me anymore, not into me anymore, all those ah"
-"Feels more like 你不爱我"
-“Every girl will be scared of being left on the shelf in one way or another one ma”
*Fear of abandonment

-"Maybe cause I'm an unhappy person that's why I always try to make people around me laugh hahahahaha"
-"That time you asked me if I have a hole in my heart ma, so many stuff toys"
-"It's called filling up the empty spaces in my heart"
-"Forever depressed ah"
-"I tend to hide everything inside"
-"I'm the I really don't care if I die on the road or I get into accident those kind already hahaha"
-"the 绝望 kind"
-In person, I felt that she rarely had a genuine smile.
*Emptiness, depression

-"You won't 嫌弃 me cause I got very small boobs ah? Hahahahah"
-"Cause from young I always kanna say I airport ma"
-"No eh I don't look that nice on photos"
-When we were out on the Henderson Waves and I wanted to take a selfie together, she declined strongly as she said she not looking good
-Eating disorder (previously)
*Self-image issues? She was anorexic before

-"Whether I'll be the last or not depends on you baobei" [last gf that I bring to my home]
-In all our talking, I never once heard her say that it was her fault or she took responsibility for her actions or feelings... She was always the victim (However, she was responsible to her students. That's all?). Also seems to blame Singapore for all her problems and thinking going to US will change everything. Even when she says sorry, it feels like she's just saying it for the sake of saying it
-"Loving? Caring? Gives in? I don't know how to describe, But I guess he couldn't take it during the period where I had to rush out my fyp, so he found someone new lor, but it's long ago already B" [4 year ex]
-"After I grad den work lor den had another one year bf but he also cheated on me cause my working hours weird like one kind" [1 year ex]
-She blamed the cheating on her schedule/busy period... But has she ever thought... That it was her?
*Responsibility fully lies on the other person/not her, no sense of responsibility

-Self-inflicted harm

-Alcohol binge (go clubbing, drink a lot, but she stopped a year ago), self-abuse (like she will go gym etc even if she is sick)

-Spending --> I'm not really sure about this, but she seems to be spending a lot on things to give her mum... And I don't know how much she spent on clubbing (maybe someone paid for her)

-The fact that she quit on me so suddenly --> was it a mood swing? I don't know... We mostly texted so I don't know what's she's thinking or what she really feels. But she was REALLY hostile to me after we broke up... So...

-The fact that she felt like I was harassing her even though I only had good intentions --> paranoid?

-"You're my first bf whom I can really talk to normally without arguing or fighting or getting scolded "*Unstable relationships? This part I'm not sure since I don't know the details of her 3 exes. Something must have happened for them to cheat on her. Or maybe she was the one who cheated on them. Who knows? Her relationships were all quite close apart. And apparently got to know from clubbing (alcohol influence?). It feels like she has a lot of exes before but she didn't tell me about them. And falling in love with somebody so quickly (especially online) and wanting to be in a relationship so quickly? Something's wrong.

You know being with her, I sometimes question myself whether I'm sane or doing the right thing. Like she puts ALL the responsibility on me to do the work. I always feel inadequate and like I wasn't doing enough. Probably every thing was my fault and I triggered her anxiety somehow. Her breakup reason was also that I made her feel uncomfortable. I think... from what I learned about her... Is that she is unable to take responsibility for her feelings. I seriously think this is overreaction on her side.

Seriously, I'm not trained or qualified to diagnose this. But it really feels like she has some form of BPD. Maybe not serious, I don't know, it was only a short time I was with her. But sometimes I feel like she was not really present or she was just putting on a mask and pretending. So who knows what she's really like. Now I don't even trust what she said any more. I really think she needs help in some way but you know... It's none of my business and I think I will just get into trouble even if I try. So forget it. NOT WORTH MY TIME. Once bitten, twice shy. Third time's a FOOL.

So these are the few possibilities I have narrowed it down to:
-It is my fault.(At first I thought so... But after thinking about it something didn't feel right about her)
-She has another guy (even my female friends thought that it must be another guy when I told them the story) (good riddance then)
-She has BPD (well good riddance, and no point trying to understand why because dating someone with BPD is just not worth it)

So, really, I thank her for breaking up with me so soon. I really dodged a bullet there. It was sad because I did love her and I did wish she would be my first and last love... But you know what, there's no point ascribing so much meaning to first love. GOODBYE, we weren't meant to be.

Looking back on our last conversation

So I was looking back on our last conversation before she went AWOL. I am able to do that now because I've let it all go and detached my emotions. I can look at things objectively now. And it was even more abrupt than I thought! Talking normally and even said I love you then suddenly disappear and cut off all contact, not picking up my calls.

This is too funny. This girl is so ridiculous LOL. I just find it so funny now. How someone can be like this. This will be a funny story to tell: how my ex broke up with me two times the same way: suddenly, without any warning through a message, and how I fell for it again after 14 years.

A leopard never changes their spots

So I remembered the first time she broke up with me. It was also very sudden, without any warning, with a vague reason, and through text message. How could I forget the cruelty and disrespect she showed me then? But to be fair, we were quite young then.

14 years later, the same thing happened! After so many years, the hurt had faded and I trusted her, only be to caught unaware and betrayed. I don't blame myself, because I think it was reasonable to give her a chance. After all we are both mature adults now. I am simply disappointed. I am now glad that I did all those tests, before I grew more attached to her.

It really doesn't matter now, what her reason is. And whether the reason she gave me is real or not. I would have loved for us to at least remain as friends. I thought our connection was genuine. But think about it. Do you really want a friend like this? Someone who could be so cruel to disregard your feelings? Someone so unwilling to communicate their issues? Someone who can walk out on you like that is not worth your time or energy.

Well, it is easy to say that, but a loss is still a loss. Actually, did I even lose anything? There is no loss. I only had shock from what happened. I don't want her back. I am free to see other girls. I gained from this experience, as hurtful as it was. I kind of gained financially, although I paid for our meals together, because overall she spent more than I spent. (Because of the birthday present that she gave my sister. She loved it. I was actually very impressed by that, even though I was the one who picked the present.). And I wouldn't have to go to her friend's wedding, which would probably cost a bomb. And of course I get back all the future cash that I would spend on her. When one door opens, a few other doors open. I have gained a lot. Self-realization, friends, closer friendships, a story to tell. And of course. The biggest thing is Singlehood. With this, I am set free.

What am I heartbroken about?

The fact that someone can tell you they love you right before they suddenly break up with you. It is a very cruel thing to do. The fact that someone can send a mere breakup text message with a vague reason, and then block off all contact with you. The fact that it's all unilateral, makes it very painful. You are left wondering what the hell happened, and how a best friend can suddenly become strangers the next day. Whether it's gradual on the other person's side doesn't matter; it is totally a shock to you. You understand that it's not meant to be and that it's good that you saw this side of that person before you got even more attached. But the shock is not something easy to get over.

I now understand what happened

From what I know of her:
  • 50 soft toys
  • She's insecure and jealous
  • She requires external validation
    • 1yr ex, 4yr ex, 1 yr ex. She has always been together with someone, and she seems to actively seek guys out. She probably needs to feel loved. And she said that she was always by the guys side at least for the 4yr one
    • She kept asking me if I loved her, will I treat her well, will I spend money on her, will I abandon her (I thought it was just being flirty but I guess it is actually deeper issues)
  • She said that it all depends on me: putting responsibility on others
  • She said she was the type who sometimes says something but wants the guy to do something else (the woman stereotype)
  • She... does not seem to love herself. She would push herself so hard even when she was sick.
  • She mentioned a few times that she felt like I was uncomfortable around her and that it felt like I didn't love her. I asked her why she felt that way -- she either didn't know or didn't want to say
  • She didn't seem to be interested in initiating physical touch after our first 2 dates. I feel like there was no reaction to my touch. (I sensed this but didn't realise this... Should have discussed this with her)

This is me:
  • I don't need the relationship, but I did like her
  • I believe both sides should put equal amount of work
  • I felt like I always had to take initiative
  • I felt like I had to do all the work
  • I don't like to take initiative all the time
  • I don't like to do all the work
  • I don't like to play guessing games with women
  • I prefer my girls to be assertive and confident; they should know what they want or need
  • I didn't really feel that uncomfortable/awkward around her, but more like I take things slowly

I talked to Tiffany, who was insecure and jealous once, and she said that me not being comfortable with being physical could be a factor. As she would feel unloved. A guy who likes her should feel proud to show affection in public; show the world that she is mine. And that she realised that she needed to work on herself before she could get into another relationship. I think she is right. I would have loved to make the relationship work, and I was willing to give it more time, but I think she wasn't ready for my kind of love. I think nobody is at fault (but she is definitely wrong to do this kind of lousy breakup).

I may have tested her a bit too much, and I'm sorry for that... But I needed to know that she was ready for me.

My advice to her, as someone who was my best friend once: Clara, you need to work on yourself more. You have to love yourself. You have to take responsibility. Not all things can be controlled, but you can definitely do more than you think you can. Happiness comes from within. Love comes from within. You can't just leave it to fate. You need to confront things head on, and not just run away (just like you did with me). Judging from how you didn't reflect on your past relationships, you must have put the blame on the other person. I believe there are things that you could have controlled. Whether you want to work on yourself; that's your choice. It doesn't really concern me anymore. I would have loved to continue being friends, but you wanted me out of your life. I'm very tempted to send a letter to your mum giving advice on why your relationships failed, but it will probably be unsolicited and unappreciated and worst, I am gonna get sued for harassment. So I think I'll just write the letter but not send it. I have to accept/respect the fact that you don't want anything to do with me.

My advice to myself: accept that you made mistakes, and accept that you did your best and this experience will make you a better person. Be compassionate with yourself. Don't give up on love. Don't give up on loving yourself.

My thoughts on marriage, dating, and being single

Well after experiencing recent heartbreak, I've become even more convinced that being single is the way to go. I was happily single for a long, long time until I contacted my first love and shit happened. I have rejected girls because I was always comparing being single to being with someone. But this time, the girl took my fancy and so I agreed to go out with her. I suppose I was too committed to making things work and I thought she was too. Thinking back, she may have been in love with an idea of a relationship, in love with her expectations of me, and not really in love with me. To be very honest, on all my dates with her, I never felt like she was happy being with me. Even from the start. I also didn't really feel I was happy being with her. In fact, when she sent me that lousy break up message saying she was "uncomfortable being together with me", it was mutual. Just that at that time, I wasn't really sure what that vague "uncomfortable" meant, but now I know. I suppose I felt betrayed and disappointed because I was willing to give it more time to make things work.

Anyway, it's been more than a week and now my mind is clearer than ever. Now, she had mentioned that she doesn't feel like I love her. It could be a disconnect between our virtual intimacy and physical intimacy (we texted too much). Or maybe it could be that I needed more time to warm up. But I'm now thinking that maybe I'm just aromantic or demiromantic. I mean, I've never really had strong crushes upon sight of a girl. I would find girls attractive of course, and I even took initiatives to approach them. But I didn't feel like I wanted to be with them forever, but more like I just want to know them more. I've interacted with many girls before (mostly in my younger days, and really none of them gave me romantic feelings). Neither did my recent ex. The hugs, kisses, handholding -- I didn't feel any romantic feelings but more of friendship. However I did feel some romantic feelings virtually and I was truly in love. The emotions were all there when we were apart. But in person, I didn't feel as close, maybe because we didn't spend much time together. And she didn't really show much interest and make any proper eye contact with me. This is what made me suspect that perhaps I am demiromantic? I'm not sure myself. But I'm probably more of an aromantic.

So yeah, I'm totally fine being with myself. Maybe it became a habit, but I was fine with eating alone or going out alone. Being single is quite in vogue, but it's still quite prevalent in society to romanticize marriage and relationships. So sometimes you tend to question yourself whether being single is alright. And I must say, that I mightily prefer being single. Unless a girl comes along who can really make me feel that it's worth giving up being single for her, I'm not going to settle anymore. Even my recent ex, I felt like I was settling, but I wanted to give her a chance (thankfully she proved me right). In fact I actually felt some relief that I don't have to spend money on her friend's wedding anymore. Neither did I have to pay for our outings anymore. Or go out of my way to make her feel loved. Maybe I haven't met the right person yet, but until then, or even if never, I can proudly say that I'm totally happy being single.

Dating: The main reason I got together with my ex is that I tried Tinder out of curiosity and then tried dating and then finally thought about my first love. And to be very blunt, I find dating to be a complete chore. Sure, I love to have an emotional connection with another human being. But the traditional gender roles are very much still in place and I pay for almost all my dates. I really hate paying for dates, but I do it anyway. Next time, I'm just gonna declare upfront to pay dutch. Actually, I think I'm done with dating.

Marriage: I'm not interested in marriage in the first place. It is a lousy social construct meant to tie down a person. I don't want kids. I don't want to share my assets. Sharing my life, that's fine. But you don't need marriage to do that. So there's no incentive to marry.

Girlfriend: I've been scratching my head, what are the real benefits of having a girlfriend. I don't really need emotional support and even then I can get it from friends and family. I have to spend effort and money on another person who may just leave you on a whim. I have to deal with their complains and worries. I have their family to worry about. The only thing I might like is the deep emotional connection with someone, but based on my experiences, it might not be worth it. Maybe I just haven't met the right person? Hahaha I don't really care.

Well I genuinely enjoyed the emotions I felt when I was in love, but it was also a roller coaster ride. Trying to decipher woman's signals is too difficult, and it is tough to find a woman who will be confident enough to be honest, know what they want and not expect men to guess. You need a lot of practice (or the right person), and frankly speaking, I have better things to do.

My ultimate goals are inner peace and peace with myself, as well as financial freedom. Unless I meet the right person, it is very hard for me to achieve my goals. I think ultimately... I am the one for me. It would be nice to find someone to add value to my life, but I think I'm happy with my life as it is. #MGTOW

My positive and negative experiences with her

It is good to focus on the happy times in your relationship, because those are the memories worth remembering.

1. We enjoyed talking about everything under the sun. Moving to China if the US implodes, our inside jokes about the We R Sure team, her students and their funny stories.

2. We enjoyed eating salted egg buns and prata! On our third date I brought her to eat salted egg buns in AMK, at HK Dim Sum. On our fifth I brought her to eat Master Prata in Telok Blangah.

Would have loved to take photos with her or even tag her on Facebook, but she didn't like to take photos and she didn't want her students on Facebook to bother her about stuff.

3. We enjoyed playing games together! Dota and League of Legends (which I was trying to get her to play so that she could sub in our team). Her voice and reactions were so cute over voice chat!

4. I spent a lot of effort on her birthday present (why did I do it? we were only 2 weeks in...). She said she liked folded roses because they wouldn't wilt, so I learned to make some for her. It was hard and I had to practise a lot. (The good thing is now I have the skill to fold this complicated rose, which will always be a part of me :))

I got her eeyores (she liked baby eeyores because of the silly face but I couldn't find), folded ribbons for her (she liked ribbons), and folded a lot of roses for her. 1 red one, because she liked red, and to signify my one love for her. I also made a haiku for her professing my love, and finally I actually recorded myself singing a song (Kimberly Chen's Ai Ni), with an additional phrase "baobei wo ai ni" in the middle.

Why all this? Considering we were sort of in a long distance relationship (she lived in Choa Chu Kang and I lived in Serangoon, plus she was so busy we couldn't meet often), I left her some things to remember me by. Especially the song, which hopefully could cheer her up when she was down. (I don't know at this time whether she found my actions too excessive, because it seemed like she grew a bit more distant after this). Personally I think it was quite reasonable. But maybe she just didn't feel the same way.

5. On our first date (when we got together), I hugged her. But it was brief. Then as we were going down the elevator, we laid her head on my shoulder. Then she came to hug. I found that so cute and endearing!

6. We talked a lot about the future and all the things we were gonna do. Rock climbing, going to NTU (her college), going out with my sis and her bf, watching death note together and cuddling, so many things. (So I was surprised I could be in her future one day and suddenly disappear from it the next day)

So now the negative experiences...

1. She rarely smiled or seemed happy to see me when we met. (I'm quite sure I did smile and everything but I don't really remember). After the first two dates, she rarely initiated physical contact with me except good bye kisses. She was also either leaning straight or away when we were on the bus and I was holding her hands.

2. Actually the first day she didn't seem that interested in hearing me talk. (she had a long day, so I thought maybe it was because of that. she also had to solve some maths questions for her student). She didn't really look at me like she was attracted to me. Also... whenever I looked at her, she would do a smile that wasn't really natural. Like a forced smile. I guess those are the tiny signs which you notice but don't really think about it until it's over.

3. She was always complaining that she was sleepy or tired. I can understand that she was so busy. But it was getting a bit excessive.

We were emotionally very close but physically we didn't match well. I suspect she wasn't really physically attracted to me, but either she wasn't aware or she chose to ignore it. For me I was more in love with her personality rather than her person. The takeaway is that, don't get together on the first date unless you are sure!

Dealing with a sudden break up

Dr Pam Spurr, counsellor, agony aunt and author of The Break-Up Survival Kit (Robson Books, £6.99) thinks the most important thing is to stop asking yourself why your partner acted the way they did, and start understanding that the problem is theirs, not yours.

'In an ideal world, we'd all talk to each other when we were unhappy in our relationships, and be kind and honest when we were splitting up, taking the knowledge forward to help us build better future relationships.

'But of course, that's not what usually happens. What we have to do is accept that we won't always know why someone rejected us and that it's not our problem if we are rejected.'

Dr Spurr adds that those who choose to end a relationship without warning tend to be 'non-communicators: people who let issues build up without talking about them, to the point where they decide leaving is the only option. In many of these relationships, the partner left without explanation is a good communicator - which is why the break-up is so difficult for them.'


Dr Spurr is totally right. My ex is a non-communicator while I'm a good communicator (or at least a willing one). There were numerous signs of that. She doesn't know what she wants and she didn't even reflect on her past relationships. The relationship wouldn't have worked out anyway. In fact I'm glad she broke up with me, just that it was too sudden and without proper explanation that it was bugging me. I am someone who is okay with discussing issues and confronting things. She is not. Let's accept that. Let it go.

I still don't understand why she broke up with me suddenly

So these are some guesses I have. I realise there is no point in analysing any more, so let me just list them down as final closure to my uncertainty.

-What did she mean by "uncomfortable being together" with me?
1. She was insecure and scared that I would leave her anytime (she never showed signs of this...)
2. It didn't feel right being with me
3. She didn't know what exactly was the reason so just gave me a lame reason
4. She found me awkward (she did mention this very early on but no more after that, so I thought she was okay. I was okay already)
5. I did not move fast enough for her
6. We didn't make enough eye contact
7. We didn't really do things that couples do except during goodbyes
8. I was not that comfortable with physical intimacy
9. I don't show much affection all the time in person
10. She thinks I'm too good for her (I made sure that did not happen by showing more weaknesses and letting her meet my family)
11. She thinks she's too good for me (Right. Because all she asked was whether I could accept her. And I did, despite her issues.)

-Why did she not discuss any issues she had on her mind?
1. She thought I did not deserve to know
2. She just didn't care anymore
3. She doesn't actually want a relationship
4. She is not ready for a relationship
5. She wasn't serious about me
6. She thought it wouldn't work out any way, so why bother?
*Actually if this is the case then I deserve someone better

-Why did she send the break up message on my birthday?
1. She wanted to burn all bridges
2. She wanted to give me maximum hurt
3. She was still ambivalent, but had to take action then

-Why did she suddenly cut off all contact and ask for some time off, while implying that she still loved me even if we weren't in contact?
1. She couldn't confront me directly at that moment in time
2. She couldn't bear to break up at that moment in time because she still felt close to me
3. She needed time so that we became more distant and that was when she was ready to hurt me because she didn't feel anything anymore.
4. That explains why she was so angry when I called her and why she was so distant. She had already moved on 5 days ago while I was still stuck on my first day of grieving.
5. She already fell out of love with me but didn't know how to handle it

-Why did she block off all contact with me after she sent the breakup message
1. She wanted to move on
2. She didn't want any drama (too bad, if she was willing to talk I would be fine with the breakup)

-How could she send me such loving messages and yet the next day be such a stranger
1. She's crazy
2. She was pretending
3. Feelings change
4. All Women Are Like That

-Why did she break up with me at this point?
1. She was uncomfortable being together with me (if she means what she says. go to that analysis)
2. She didn't want to give me a birthday present
3. She was ashamed of me meeting her friends
4. She was sick and stressed; this was the lowest moment for her and thus everything seemed futile
5. She only gave me a 1 month time limit
6. She was playing with my feelings
7. She just wanted validation; that someone loved her
8. There was someone else

-How could she talk about the future with me so much and yet suddenly leave me
1. Feelings change

-Why did I test her so much and why did she fail the test?
1. I purposely didn't hold her hand to see how she would react. (Because I wasn't very comfortable with physical intimacy and actually asked her to grab my hand once in a while. But actually. Holding hands and hugging? No problemo for me.)
2. I purposely didn't do anything when she was gonna pay for some stuff. And she was hesitating a bit before paying? Don't know if that means anything
3. I purposely exaggerated some of my weaknesses (like my shyness, my physical intimacy "problems", my sensitiveness)
4. I brought her to one of my favorite places even though she didn't seem to want to go there (I didn't force it but she suggested to go there on her own)
5. When she asked for my birthday, I told her then didn't say anything even though I knew she was busy. I would have said not to get me anything until she was free. But I wanted to see what she would do. Turns out she broke up with me on my birthday! Good job passing the test with flying colors!
6. Because she left me once before and I was wondering how committed she was to me this time
7. She failed all my tests but I was still willing to see how it works out until she failed the final one

-Why was she angry when I asked her to explain why in a very calm yet firm way
1. I did something wrong (who knows what happened)
2. She didn't care for a stranger
3. She still cared for me but she wanted to move on
4. She don't know
5. She's crazy

-Why did she not want to explain why
1. She don't know why
2. She already closed her heart to me (she kept saying, don't ask any personal questions)
3. It was some super lame reason
4. Maybe it was her that did something wrong

So... I'm ready to let go. There's so many reasons, she doesn't want to say, I will never know and I have to accept that. One key sign of strength is being able to accept uncertainties in life. And thanks so much for this experience. I think I can better handle uncertainties in life now. At least I can learn to do so.

Be careful when handling breakups

The problem with getting dumped suddenly without knowing why, is that you feel blindsided and do things in the spur of the moment.

So I received her breakup text around 2pm. Tried to reach her but was blocked everywhere. Didn't know how to handle it, proceed to write a letter.

So, around 4pm: I sent a letter to her mum asking her to persuade her daughter to at least meet up and break up properly with me. Little did I know it would bite me back in the ass hahaha. Because at night around 9pm I called her through my home phone (which she doesn't know and thus can't block). She was so angry and totally refused to talk even though I was calmly asking her what happened and she said no to a meetup. Now I don't understand why she was angry even though she was the one who started the breakup. So I gave up and said all the best, bye. I was ready to move on. But the stupid letter was already sent, LOL. Oh well, what to do. Oh, and I also sent her an email thanking her for her love (one of the blog posts below). I also messaged some close people to tell them to make sure she's alright (this one is perfectly reasonable to me and done with good intentions). All my mistakes, spur of the moment.

So I spent my weekend healing, meeting friends, just talking. And next week Monday, just as I was prepared to confess to some girl I received some super angry messages from my ex. It totally ruined my mood... And I couldn't confess in the end. Lol, this is KARMA.

First she unblocked me and sent me a tirade of hate messages. Then SMS threatening to report to the police.

So, yeah. I can see how she sees it as harassment now. At that time, I was still worried about her as a friend because I don't know if she was taking it well (because from what I heard from her, she has some issues). So I just wanted to know if she was okay. It was all with good intention. But I guess to someone you don't like, things like that will only seem creepy. So why was I even worried in the first place? She doesn't deserve it. I'm glad she broke up with me, because she'll probably ruin my life eventually. But I must say that sending the letter to her mum was damn childish and I regret it hahaha.

I think one day I will look back and laugh at all the silly things I did. That's why I'm writing it here. She was the first real serious relationship I had in my adult stages... So I guess I couldn't handle it well. What am I doing?! I will move on.

So here's the only picture of us. We look so happy together. But remember that, feelings change. Cheers to that.

P.S. was trying to think of negative memories about her so that I can move on. But no matter what I couldn't. It was all happy memories to me. I don't know about her. But probably it was negative to her. Especially the lousy letter. Hahaha. Oh well.

Update: my last SMS to her was saying that the letter was a mistake and that I'm cutting off all contact with her. Then I blocked her. I don't know if she received it, but she messaged my sister saying pretty much the same thing, at least more civilly. So I give her credit for that. I was and am done with this dangerous person. In fact I was done on Saturday when I sent the last email to her. Man I don't know what's happening or what she's thinking. Lord help me.

The (first love) story of my life

So 14 years ago, this girl adds me on MSN messenger. My primary school friend's imouto. Apparently it's because of a voicemail I left her brother that she found cute. And we got talking. I was in secondary 2. Boys school. So. the classic boy meets girl, boy and girl falls in love. My first love. Over mere chat. Becomes girlfriend and boyfriend. And the phrase at that time was "go steady". She stays in Choa Chu Kang (CCK), so I remember that I would always take the long arduous journey from Bishan to Choa Chu Kang to meet her, IN ALL PLACES, the LIBRARY. Hahahaha. Fortunately at that time it was a flat rate for students, I think. So yeah. I don't remember what exactly happened, but bits and pieces. She had long pony tail at that time. Wait... did I like pony tails because of her? No idea. We exchanged school badges. I learned about the song Forbidden Love (SENS) from her. So, all was good and well, until one day, ABRUPTLY, the eventual break up text. She said she was stressed. I never did know stressed about what. Anyway, I cried and got over her and then went on to seduce some other girls. Over IRC, MSN, whatever. We was doing online dating before it became online dating the phenomena.

So a few years later, I'm not sure the exact time, but somehow she tried to get my number and I was thinking, wow, maybe she wants to talk. So I went on this crazy journey (for a young student) to CCK, again. (Ya why did I go all the way there. Stupid me.) And GUESS what. It's so that we could exchange our badges back in front of her presumably boyfriend then. Fuming. Hahaha.

Anyway, no more contact then and we went on with our lives. I met a lot of girls in JC and university, but never did have any girlfriends. Because I was quite popular/busy, so I didn't see the exact need to settle down. Sorry to all the girls I broke the hearts of. Actually it's because I can attract girls but don't know how to move forward, LOL.

Flash to 3 years of work after university. There was this swipe left swipe right thing that became a meme, popularized by Tinder(?). As an app developer, I was curious, and thought, why not. Wow, got a super like in the first few days of using the app. Boom, swipe, swipe, meet japanese lady, get blocked, swipe swipe, ghost ghost, swipe, ghost, lameeeee. So it got me thinking about love, and naturally... My first love. I wondered how she was doing.

I found her easily on Facebook since I had her brother added. And boom she accepted my friend request and I started asking how she was doing. Then after a while I decided to GTFO. It's never a good idea to talk to your ex.

Yea, the classic "all the best" line. Didn't work, though.

And we talked and talked. Boy did we talk. I was at reservist that time so I had a lot of time to just talk. She also had some time to talk since she teaches tuition. So we talked about why she left me. She said she's insecure and always in her high-achieving brother's shadow, so she was worried that she was not good enough for me who went to an elite school (Catholic High is elite, MEH). She was worried that our relationship would cause problems for her brother who I know. Now you're thinking, what BULLSHIT right? Yes that's what I though too. My mum also thought so, LOL. But I understand where she's coming from. I accepted her. We evoked feelings of our past love, started calling each other nicknames, and got really intimate, sharing every details of our lives. Never thought you could seduce a girl through texting huh. But seducing others means you also get seduced. Man, first love and last love. Isn't that idea so romantic? And it was happening to us!

She was busy so we couldn't really meet. 7 day work week. Freelancing is tough. But exams were coming so she got a bit more free. We planned to meet next week but as we were talking on a Thurs afternoon, she suddenly said she wanted to meet. I almost puked my drink, LOL. So we met, hugged. It was so cute the way she suddenly lay her head on my shoulder as we went down the escalator. It was also so cute the way she suddenly came to hug me. (Damn, I wish I told her this). We were at Kovan. She had to eat dinner but I already ate so I recommended her to eat fish beehoon even though it was my first time there. The pomelo mango sago there was damn nice and cheap though (reminder to go there again). She also had to solve a Maths problem for her student so we did that first and then we talked. (That day she didn't seem much interested in what I was saying but I chalked it up to her working the whole day. Now that I think about it, maybe she didn't really like me? I mean she didn't even look at me much.) Then the hawker centre was closing so we moved. At first I said to go Macs but she suggested an open area outside. Eventually we walked all the way to my block's void deck and we sat there and talked. It was late and I had work the next day but she wanted to stay a bit longer. She laid her head on my shoulder and it felt nice. Finally she got a grabcar and went home. We got together that night, after 14 years. (In retrospect, this was probably too fast.)

As she was so busy, I tried to meet her whenever I could. She could meet on Saturday but I had to go to my uncle's birthday. So I invited her along. She broke up last time because she was scared my friends and family wouldn't like her. So I resolved to let her meet them. There was some tiny(maybe not so tiny after all) issues at that time since I didn't want to hold hands or hug too much. Not so comfortable with PDA, you know. So she said, why you don't want to hold my hand? Why you don't want to hug me? And I did all that. I thought she was so cute to say that (Damn, I wish I told her that). Then my father's taxi, we locked eyes and I kissed her on the cheek and vice versa. I'm pretty sure she wanted me to kiss her on the lips or make out then but I didn't really want to do that in front of my father and sister... After that she gave me a goodbye kiss on the lips and I thought that was so cute (Damn, I wish I had told her that). Ok that'll probably sound creepy.

After that problems started to surface a bit. As we met after my work, when I'm usually super bummed out, I wasn't in my best condition with her. The next date we went to get a birthday present for my sister. As we went home on the train, I didn't manage to give her a goodbye kiss because it was so crowded and bright. Probably this is where the problems started. She said she felt like I didn't love her. That wasn't true. I said I wasn't comfortable with PDA, and that I didn't feel so close to her in person compared to online, which is true. She said it was okay as long I truly loved her. (Right... probably this wasn't ok to her. Generally I'm not a very affectionate person in private, even more so in public. So I didn't say sweet stuff much in person and touch her too much). In fact I'm not used to initiating hand holding all the time. Anyway I was so bothered that I had to psycho myself that I really loved her, and to show more physical affection. Probably this is one of the issues we should have talked about, but it didn't come up in person, sadly. I wished we talked about those issues in person or on the phone. We spent most of the time texting, which is not the best form of communication. Actually I didn't know what the fuck she wanted and she didn't say. For me actually physical intimacy isn't really a big issue, but her saying such things just made me more nervous about what to do.

On the day before her birthday, I suggested to go to the Canopy Walk, which is a place I'd love to go but she didn't seem too enthusiastic about. In the end, she was fine with going there (maybe wasn't the best idea... we walked until we were so tired). I wanted to bring her to the wonderful Terrace Garden in Telok Blangah, which was one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen in Singapore. But I guess she isn't that fond of such places, and I was a bit disappointed. Nevertheless, I just wanted to spend time with her. Before we went there, I met her place to pass her birthday present (which I will talk about in another post) and kissed her on her forehead. Strangely she didn't seem that happy to see me and also had no reaction to the kiss. We took a bus there and on the way I placed my arms around her and also held her hands. For me it felt quite natural but her reaction was a bit strange to me. I didn't think much of it at that time, but now, maybe it was another warning sign. The thing is she was just sitting up straight, while I was leaning a bit towards her. I think I was also caressing her a bit. Seriously, like no touch also complain now I touch she doesn't like it. This is just my guess though, who knows what she was thinking. Then at night when we ate prata, I looked at her abit (meant to be a gaze), maybe it was me but she always gave this forced smile when I looked at her. It happened a few times, not only this night. It bothered me but I didn't think much at that time. Then we took a bus to Vivocity and I held her hand. Now she was leaning away from me. Not sure if anything abnormal but it did bothered me. I wanted to accompany her on her bus ride home but she said it was a waste of time. I said I was free but she insisted no. Well... it's kind of weird to not want to spend more time together, given that we had very little time to meet. But I didn't think much of it. So we hugged and kiss and this was one of the rare times where I saw her smile genuinely.

We met about weekly? Eventually she got more free but she was also more reluctant to go out with me -- she wanted to stay at home to do her stuff. That I understood but I guess that was also a warning sign. On the last day we met before the breakup, I was super tired and I wasn't into it, not holding her hand or anything. I did try to gaze at her and we locked eyes for a moment. Don't know what she thought of that, but I just wanted to look at her. We went to eat at one of her favourite zi char and that was that. She was kind of in a rush and wanted to get avocado milkshake for her mum. She also got one for me. Something weird happened. I let her queue and then she asked me to order and she will pay. Why...? Was that a test? If so then I probably failed it by agreeing lol. We had a long wait for a bus. For some reason she didn't want to sit down beside me. When the bus came, she gave me a goodbye kiss. Never expected it to be our last kiss. I went to IKEA to buy bed sheets. Sadly she couldn't join me because she had to pass the milkshake to her mum.

After that... She didn't want to meet anymore, saying she had to study A maths because of a new stewdent. She said she would be more busy and sorry if she neglected me. So I was prepared for that. And the night before our 1 month anniversary... She suddenly went cold contact. We said good morning and night every day, but not this time. Anybody would think something was wrong, but her circumstances were a bit special so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. The next morning... No news. She had to go to hen's party that day so I could understand. But no reply to my happy 1 month anniversary and my messages weren't getting delivered. I checked our relationship status on Facebook, and true enough, she was gone. I remember her saying she didn't want me to post anything of us on Facebook, since her students will be busybody and she didn't want that. So maybe she removed the status a while back and I didn't think too much of it. Anyway, I called her twice and she didn't pick up at all. Finally close to midnight she finally sent me an SMS saying I wouldn't be able to go to her friend's wedding because she had no seats left and sorry that she needed some time to herself to sort things out. This had warning bells all over it but I understood she had a lot of stuff to do... Bridesmaid, studying, gifts, gym, swimming lessons and stuff. So I gave her some space. Who knows she was considering break up with me. Was there anything I could do then? Maybe I could have reminded her about our first few times together and how cute I thought she was... Lesson to be learned. Maybe it wouldn't have worked anyway since I think she already decided then. But really, what a lousy way to break up with someone. This just proves that she wasn't relationship material or even marriage material. Because how could we discuss issues properly. I suspect this was one of the reasons why her exes dumped her.

And here comes the bomb!

The infamous break up text! On my birthday, no less. If anyone wanted bridges to be burned, it was her. She did give some fucking vague obscure warnings, but this is fucking sudden! I can't believe her feelings changed so quickly. We promised to resolve any issues we had and I can't believe she just gave up on me like that. I mean fine, there's nothing I can do and I don't want her back, but I want to know what happened. What is "feel too uncomfortable being together"? She blocked my calls and everywhere, WhatsApp, Facebook, my sis' Facebook. I was worried she'll do silly things because she has issues (that I will not name here) so I tried to contact her friends that I know. And silly me even sent a letter to her mum persuading her to at least meet me and have a proper breakup. Spur of the moment I promise. In the end I confirmed that she blocked me on WhatsApp (obviously she needed WhatsApp for her students). I called her using my home phone and she picked up. I said something along the lines of, "I'm not mad but I'm disappointed. I want to know what happened? Was it my awkwardness?". But she would not have it. She just kept saying no she did not want to talk and don't ask her personal questions. Hahaha, what a bitch. So I just wished her all the best and hung up.

*this part censored until some time in the future. it's about her ex*

I guess I needed closure. Talking to my family and friends helped. My sister's hug helped. And posting on Facebook about this lousy breakup message also helped too. Because it enlisted some helpful messages from people. I also watched my favourite comedy The Big Bang Theory and laughed a lot. I wanted to go out running but I was kinda still sick so I just took a walk.

So two days later, I wrote an email directed to her, which is one of the posts here. All the things I wanted to say but didn't get a chance to, I put it there. Mostly it was being thankful for the times we had. And I sent it to her. She probably deleted it without reading it. Or maybe she won't read it. I just hope it doesn't end up in the spam because it will be funny if she reads it. Either way, I don't expect her to read it, and it is mainly for my own closure. I think it helped. And I think writing all these blog posts helps too! I think I'm getting over it! And I'm so glad that my old friends are so supportive. #singledom

So guys, this is my first love story. Funny, isn't it? Bitches be crazy. And my sister still has a 80cm Snorlax on the way in South China Sea for this girl. I have no idea what we are gonna do with it. I seriously just want to dump it at her place for the heck of it.

I can't believe it's only 1 month. What a fucking roller coaster ride.

I think part of it is her issues, and part of it mine. But I do think it would have been good to discuss any issues. And she didn't even give me a chance to discuss those. Does every woman expect your guy to be a fucking mind reader? I don't think her being uncomfortable was so insurmountable that either of us couldn't do anything. Maybe it was, I guess, since she gave up like this. Anyway, it was good of her to break up with me. Imagine she walk out on the wedding. Or just walk away when there were tough issues. But then again, I suppose 1 month is easy to walk out of. Well, I am grateful for the times we had, and I've become a better person because of this.

A friend actually told me I deserve better. And I agree now.

And now I'm even more convinced that singlehood is the way to go. MGTOW!

I had my doubts too

I wrote this on 29 Oct, the date of our 1 month anniversary.

The night before, she suddenly went all cold and cut off contact with me. She had said that she would be very busy. And I did understand that she had a hen's party the next day. So I was prepared. This gave me some alone time to think... See, I had my doubts too. I guess we didn't get to talk much about issues. I'm sure she had a lot of doubts on her side too, being so busy (she works 7 days a week, frantically) and she also mentioned being insecure.

Despite me an independent person, I was growing too attached to her and losing a part of myself. But I was prepared to give it my all... She wasn't. I can understand that. It isn't something I can accept, but I will move on.

Thinking back, there were actually a lot of red flags about her:

1. She says she's an unhappy person
If someone is always unhappy, then how can they be happy in the relationship? How can they make the other person happy? However, she did make me happy. Maybe I wasn't with her long enough to find out. Now maybe that is a good thing?

2. She says she's insecure and jealous
I didn't see much of that... so... But this kind of thing is always dangerous. It means sooner or later, she'll bring you on a RollErCoAster Ride. And that she did to me. LOL. I'm like the opposite. Quite secure, and not really jealous.

3. She frequently says she's tired or sleepy, and she has headaches every day
I don't think I need to explain this... Okay. So in person she seems fine, and our conversations are generally ok. We have fun and everything. I suppose this kind of thing will take its toll eventually...

4. She broke up with me before.
Granted, this was 14 years ago (ok I will put this story in another post). As they say, leopards never change their spots. In fact, when I re-initiated contact after so many years, I just wanted to find out how she was doing and then GTFO. I actually said "all the best" and everything that you say when you don't want to talk to that person. Why? Because I know we'll get together again and she'll break my heart again

5. She got cheated on by all of her 3 exes (EXCEPT ME)
See, good guys just don't win (joking, joking). It is one thing if you become stronger after that, but I suspect she became weaker after that... Anyway, why is this a red flag? Relationships take 2 hands to clap, and your boyfriend cheating? You can't say it is 100% his fault, although that is tempting to say.

6. She dislikes Singapore and wants to move to the US (Silicon Valley)
I don't have a problem with the US, but moving will always cause problems and this is a ticking time bomb. Fortunately this would be a few years later, but still... I'm fine with Singapore. It's a beautiful place. It's not perfect. But if you have been to many countries (not just as a tourist) then you'll realise that many people TAKE SINGAPORE FOR GRANTED.

7. Fucking busy job. Heck she said she loved her job more than me. You think your job is busy? Try hers
While this is hurtful to hear, it was something I was able to accept as that was one of the reasons why I fell in love with her -- her passion for her job. Also means she doesn't really have time for me. I'm thinking maybe this is one of the reasons why she broke up with me... She's so busy I don't think she can handle a relationship. Somemore she is so insecure... How can she leave her guy alone? Seriously no amount of affirmation from me is gonna help that.

8. When I asked her what she would do differently in her failed relationships, she said she never thought about that...
Doing the same thing will just get you the same results...

9. She keeps things to herself
That's what she said. I'm not sure to what extent... So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that her feelings for me changed so quickly. I mean you don't have to share everything, but important issues should be discussed.

10. Low energy/low dopamine levels? If she doesn't go gym she feels restless, and she needs a lot of caffeine
I'm not sure how much this affects her because she seems fine and quite lively in person. But it is one of the doubts that came through my mind before.

11. Expecting me to do things / being vague about what she wants
Ok... Some of it was partially obvious so maybe it was my fault too. Like she wanted me to send her to her house door but she asked me if I wanted to go to her house, which I took literally and said no. I wouldn't have minded sending her to her house door. I felt like she was in love with expectations of me and not really looking at me. Maybe all those stuff, her exes/some other dates did it for her and she couldn't fathom that I was a DIFFERENT person.
Like when she wanted to buy things, she would seem to wait around for something to happen. This happened on 2 occasions, maybe 3. I didn't think too much of it, but now I realised... maybe she wanted me to do something? The last occasion she actually asked me to order and then she'll pay for it. Why? This is so weird. Just pay on your own...
And even when I asked her why she didn't feel like I loved her, she didn't say. Maybe she doesn't know, or maybe she refuses to say. But either way, this is not the communication and trust that we promised each other.

12. Didn't feel like she was happy with me
She rarely had a genuine smile and I felt like she wasn't really into me. Maybe that's why I also felt a bit awkward when I was with her

13. "Broke" her "promises"
All the things she said, she didn't mean it. What really bugs me is the thing she agreed about pulling through no matter what happens. I mean running away is fine, but at least explain things properly before doing that. But it's good that she left me since this person will probably run away if the going gets tough. Not relationship material.

14. 50 soft toys
Who the heck has 50 soft toys? She had 12 of them 14 years ago, and now she has 50. I think this confirms the fact that she said she was insecure. And she needs to work on herself, not buy more stuff to make her feel better.

15. Didn't really think about how to maintain a relationship
So her 4 years ex. She said the honeymoon period was about 6 months. So I asked her how she maintained it after that. She said she didn't know; just meet once a week, do their own things. This should have been a major red flag... That she wasn't LTR material and I should have been prepared for short term dating (but didn't expect it to be only 1 month, LOL)

16. She doesn't mean what she says
This is referring to the woman thing. Ok this is mainly a joke point since all woman do that to a certain extent. #NotStereotyping

So... I was willing to overlook all those red flags. As they say, love is blind, and I wanted to give it a chance. I mean, no one is perfect. I genuinely love her, and accept her for who she is. I still love her, but I don't want her back. There is only so much abuse one can take. #NotAMasochist

Thank you for your love, Clara

I guess you'll probably delete this right away and never see it. I know it's over and you don't love me anymore. Thank you for your love. It's sad that we didn't even get to talk or discuss issues we had, especially in person. Since you decided to break up unilaterally, it must mean those issues were impossible to overcome and talking about it wouldn't help. Well, I guess that means your feelings were so fragile and we weren't meant to be. Your promise to pull through, didn't mean a thing. Well I knew from the first day that you'll be the one to break my heart, again. Guess you're the one who played me for a fool in the end. I don't even know what really happened. That was hard on me, but I have to move on. I will miss the times we had, the joy we shared. I was so happy being with you, but I guess you didn't feel the same way. I guess I was only worth a text message break up. You weren't even willing to have a proper break up. You burned all bridges. So affectionate one day, and strangers the next.

Well maybe I missed some signals from you, or I didn't give you enough assurance. That I will never know. You have closed your heart to me and deleted me from your life. I guess you probably set a time limit to our relationship and I wasn't able to give you what you wanted. Communication and trust, you said. Well I guess I need more improvement in picking up signals. Or in sending signals. Maybe I should said I love you more in person. Maybe I should have kissed you more. Too late for what ifs. Well I did my best I could, at the current moment in time. This is me. And if you couldn't accept it, there's nothing I could do. If you couldn't wait, there's nothing I could do. I am only human. I learned much from what little time we had together, and I will become a better person. Thank you. Relationships are tough. Baring yourself for a person, that is pretty liberating and also scary.

Why am I writing this? I don't even know LOL. I don't even expect you to read it. I suppose I just need some proper closure. And maybe I have to find it on my own. Heal on my own. I will become a better person. Thank you so much again. I learned so much from you. I learned so much about myself. What I need to work on. I'll be strong. I do still love you, even though we aren't together. You will always be a part of me. I will cherish the memories we had together. There were so many things I wanted to do with you, so many things I wanted to say to you, but I didn't get a chance since you ended things so abruptly. It's so sad. I wanted to carry you like a princess, kiss you more, say more sweet things to you. I was getting comfortable and ready to be more affectionate, but I guess the time bomb ticked. Hahaha. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything anyway. Oh well, no point thinking about things that could have been.

I genuinely wish you the best. You have been hurt so many times, but don't give up on life. Don't say that you don't care if you die on the streets. I hope you find some meaning to life, because it's worth it. You said you were an unhappy person. Happiness can be learned. You are stubborn, but I think it's worth trying. You said you disliked this place and want to move over to the US. You gave me all the reasons, like more career opportunities. But the US has its own (big) problems. Moving there isn't going to make you happy, because happiness comes from within. And I think you know it too! Of course, changing places may help, and I do hope that it will work out for you.

Goodbye my first love. I will always love you. Goodbye my baobei. My ai dong gua. My xiao long bao. My xiao bao bei. Goodbye.

Thank you for your love. Goodbye.

Clara Lim Tze Hui 29 Sep 2016 - 3 Nov 2016 (? probably earlier)


Was everything you said a lie? I thought you could accept my awkwardness in person, if I truly loved you. And that I did. All the things we said we were gonna do, was it all a dream?
Maybe we moved too fast (or too slow?). Maybe I didn't show you enough concern. I will never know what exactly. Maybe it was everything. I want to know. This is the second time you have done this to me. Is some proper closure too much to ask for? You chose to end it like this, and I just have to accept that. It's not fine, I'm disappointed, but I just have to move on. Thank you for being with me, even if it's only a short period of time. I truly enjoyed the connection we have. It will be hard to find another like you, but that's fine. At least I will find one who doesn't break my heart 2 times, LOL.

Whether you seriously loved me or not, I don't know anymore. But I will choose to be grateful for the love that I received from you.
-Thank you for the concern you showed when I was sick or when I needed to commute in heavy rain.
-Thank you for the funny conversations we had.
-Thank you for giving me such a deep connection to a person
-Thank you for the hugs and kisses.

Probably the mistakes I made:
-Not listening to my warning bells... When I first contacted her I just wanted to know how she was doing and didn't want to talk to her anymore... But she started talking and things just happened too quickly. Why? I thought she was just gonna hurt me in the end, so it was best to keep no contact. (hindsight is perfect, but she hurt me again I guess hahaha)
-Being too awkward in person? (Well this is a pretty general problem I have... Good to say at least I have improved over the years... And I do need more improvement)
-Being too into her (in text but not in person) and losing attraction??
-Going on dates that she don't like?? (meeting family LOL, hiking)
-Not talking more in person or on phone (texting is just not good enough... you don't know the person's state and location)

Well, at least she bothered to text me a break up message instead of ghosting. I do think I deserved more respect though. Not sending this kind of message on my birthday when she probably already decided earlier. And definitely not.just.a.text.message. Blocking off all contact and being all cold... I guess she wants to burn all bridges.

Maybe her "in a relationship" means I like you and want to go out on dates to find out if we really like each other. Guess I was misled by those flirty texts... Hahaha. All those "forever" texts... Were too soon. Oh well. Every girl is different. C'est la vie. Some girls just don't mean what they say. Easy come, easy go. Like a butterfly fluttering in the wind. I was just a tool.

You know what? Single is truly the best.