The power of now

I re-read this book called the Power of Now by Eckhart Toile. Probably read this many aeons ago. And re-reading it, I re-learned many things again. 温故知新。

Time in our mind is an illusion. Dwelling in the past; fantasies of the future. They are just all illusions. The most important moment of your life is right now. Not just now, not later. Right now. There is no other moment as important as now. Once you realise that, your problems disappear. What problem do you have right now? There is no problem, only the situation.

Weeks ago, I was cycling around Punggol area near the coast in quite an open area. I wasn't prepared for rain and got caught in a heavy thunderstorm. Probably no rain gear would have helped anyway. I had to stay in a very, very small shelter. The rain was so heavy I got wet anyway. At that moment, I had two choices. To cycle in the very heavy rain (I was very far away from any sort of civilization) or to remain in the shelter, getting a bit wet. I chose to remain in the shelter and accept the situation. I accepted the moment. And once you do that, you're at peace.

It has always been my goal to live in the moment and achieve inner peace. But it kind of got sidelined even though I was aware of it every now and then. But the experience with the crazy ex really was a catalyst for this wake up call. I must say that this relationship and this break up is probably one of the best things to happen in my life. Sometimes, I'm quite pleased at how I can extract opportunity from crisis.

Then again, there is no crisis. There is only now. Live your every moment to the fullest. I still have some ways to go because sometimes I still dwell in the past and think about what ifs. It will take time but we all know how to form habits.

Thank you, crazy ex. What I miss isn't you but the loving feelings I had for someone. I am grateful that I can love beauty in the world. Every moment is precious to me. I will redirect these loving feelings to every moment of my life.

Becoming more generous when you're in love

I read about how oxytocin will make one more generous. I did observe that behaviour in me while I was with the ex. I was more willing to buy things, spend time, and this also applied to people other than her. In fact I was planning to pass her my expensive replica watch since she said her watch was broken. LUCKY she got a new one before I could pass it to her.

It was unfortunate that I spent so much time on her birthday present though. Total cost about $15-20, not that expensive but still... not worth it for someone who left me. Making the roses was quite useful and fun, so not that bad of an investment.

So this is a warning... Even though I knew I was becoming more generous, I couldn't help it. Never commit too much money. I was quite lucky that I picked the cheaper places to eat. That bugger didn't even offer to split, or pay. Lucky I made her pay for her drinks and some stuff.

In the end I think she probably spent a bit more than me. Because of my sister's present. Thank god for my sister's birthday. I love my sister. The main bulk of the money went to her present. I am so pleased that I didn't offer to share the present. So she paid all of the $39.90. WORTH.

Spending money on FAMILY is ok, but never spend too much on girlfriends or even wives. They aren't family. Yes, even wives. Blood is thicker than water. A bond through mere law is nothing. Love never lasts. When the love fades, it all depends on the person's character. A big risk. You may think you made the right choice... But girls these days. Be wary. It's worrying, the things they say. Especially when talking to young girls. You can sense the entitlement.

不攻自破

As I accumulate more experience, I realise the significance of 不攻自破. It comes hand in hand with 走为上. There's no need to be right all the time. Some arguments break down on their own. Sometimes, no action is the best action.

Seeing things self-explode is more satisfying than making things explode.

I finally figured out what was bugging me about her

Since the first day we met as adults, something was bugging me about her. I couldn't figure it out until now. She lacked warmth. She didn't have any love of life. And it showed, albeit subtly, in each and every of her actions. She was hiding it, I believe, but I could sense that something was off. Even her genuine smiles, which were rare, seemed forced. The only time it didn't feel forced was in her photos. Very strange.

And the way she talked... I don't ever remember her laughing about anything I said. (Maybe I sucked at making her laugh, but still...). When I compare the way she talks to people I know... It was like she doesn't really care about you and all the things she said and do was mimicking learned behaviour. Even her hugs and kisses... Didn't feel warm. It was like she was doing it for the sake of doing it. It never seemed like she had fun while she was with me.

And all the alarming things she said about herself... I think she wasn't exaggerating. All the emptiness she felt, the despair. All her mental issues. It all makes sense now. I don't know whether it was my problem or now, and frankly it doesn't matter anymore. I think... she is really broken. And... I can't keep thinking about what happened. I don't miss her though. And I don't really care about her anymore. But she left a deep impression on me. I never knew anyone as broken as her...

A broken doll...

It gives me the shivers now thinking about it...

Unbalanced relationship / I was just an ATM, an emotional tampon

In her own words: "Will you support me then? And spend on me or buy stuff for me?"
Then a few lines later: "Buying things is too mainstream" "Just as why I like the roses you made for me"

The first one are probably her true thoughts and the second, just her justification for why I didn't spend a bomb on her.

When she was going to buy avocado milkshake for her mum and I. She asked me to order and she would pay. Shows her reluctance to do things for me. She probably wanted me to order so that she would feel like I "provided" for her.

Would ask me if I would spend time doing a tuition platform for her. (Do you know how big this kind of project is). I said if I'm not busy. She probably expected me to put that as top priority.

Acting like she is always lost and has a bad sense of direction. (From my observation, she could get to places. And especially to my home)

Never offered to pay, ever. Granted the amounts were small so I didn't ask to split. Sorry I don't believe in guys paying. At the dim sum place, when she wanted to buy some salted egg buns after the first round, I asked her to go buy. (I bought the first round, at the counter, by myself). She said, "我怕你寂寞“. I couldn't catch what she said so I asked her to repeat and she said the same thing. Now I know, it was because it was so strange a thing to say that I didn't catch it. It sounds sweet and I probably was supposed to react in a sweet way but I didn't really because reflexively I knew it was bullshit. Probably a woman's way of asking me to buy it for her. I mean, you didn't seem to care whether I was lonely when I was buying the first round? And if I go and buy at the counter, wouldn't you and I both be lonely? See, this is what women do. Covert manipulation. And don't tell me not all women are like that. I have begun to observe women behaviour more and I noticed a lot of things.

Poured all her emotional troubles, insecurities, complaints on me. I suppose a lot of things she did was to evoke the white knight in me. It worked mostly. A tiny part of me was still very on guard though. But it didn't prevent me from getting hurt.

---

I probably only really asked her for two things (it was kind of a joke though):

1. Hold my hand once in a while
2. Buy a game for me so that we can play together

And she said no, adamantly. Of course the problem with 1 is that it'll become an obligation. It wouldn't feel natural. But it was a good test of her commitment.

I see now that she was just using me. Of course, she wouldn't think that way. It's just how they behave. I don't blame her. But I blame myself for being so blind and accepting. I have written a lot of posts on this. That's because I would like this to serve as a giant warning for myself.

Never save a damsel in distress. All you get is a distressed damsel.

Especially damsels not worth saving.

Once again. What did she give me? Nothing. Nothing but heartbreaks. 14 years ago until now. She can't love someone. Her love is learned behaviour and not from her heart. 

I feel used. It left a bad taste in my mouth.

 ---

I have always wondered why guys have to pursue girls. What makes them the prize? So for years I have been confused. Because I never chase girls. And people would tell me to do so. Why? It's a gynocentric world. I'm tired of trying to fit in. 

Why did she wait so long to break up with me?

Looking back. She was already acting strange when she came to my place on 11 Oct. I believe she was thinking about breaking up them. But why did she not do it?

Simple. Her birthday was 16 Oct. I met her on 15 Oct to give her her birthday present. She was simply waiting for the present before saying bye. She was also acting strange on 15 Oct.

Shortly after, I told her my sister bought a 80cm snorlax for her but it will take a while to reach because of shipping from China. She asked me when the snorlax will come a few times. It took so long that it was gonna reach my birthday soon and she'll have to give me a present.

I guess it was then she decided it wasn't worth the wait anymore.

Good. I saved some resources, especially the part about attending her friend's wedding, which would have cost a bomb. Btw I also suspect that she wanted to break up because she was scared I would be awkward and not show the world that I love her at the wedding/in front of her friends. All because I exaggerated my shyness and awkwardness. Hahaha. It was a good move on hindsight.

Fortunately my sister was able to sell the snorlax on Carousel. So we recouped the cost. Actually I was thinking about trolling her by giving the mother the snorlax (her mum would have loved it.), if she could not sell it.

Man, this is actually really funny. I will look back on this episode fondly. All the stupid things I did and believed in. I was stupid to believe in love, and stupid to attach so much importance to a "first love". Most importantly, so stupid to be suckered into a provider role. This was a good catalyst to my MGTOW life. I mean, I was already almost MGTOW. While in this last relationshit, I was comparing between being single and being with someone. Sure, it is unfair to compare single to a lousy person like her, but you know what? It doesn't matter.

Did we even like each other?

Now that I think about it, I'm not very sure if I was physically attracted to her, or she to me.

We had 6 dates. Only on the first 3 dates did she smile when we met. I didn't really think too much about it at that time, but on hindsight... And she rarely smiled or laughed while we were together. She didn't seem to enjoy my company. And sometimes, she would put on a forced smile. So was it all a pretense that she liked me? Was she just playing with my feelings?

Her body language just made me quite uncomfortable, now that I think about it. I didn't really feel the urge to kiss her or touch her because her body language wasn't really inviting. I doubt her interest level was that high as she never, ever initiated any touches beyond the first 2 dates. I'm quite sure that I smiled and laughed a lot, which means I enjoyed her company. I don't think she enjoyed mine as much. I never really felt awkward when I was with her, although she thinks that my awkwardness made her feel uncomfortable. When in truth, she was the one uncomfortable with me. I'm quite sure her saying that she was "nice and comfortable" with me a lie. Maybe it was just a feedback loop. Whatever. Crazy girl. She kept asking if I really liked her, if my family liked her, if my relatives liked her. Fucking insecure. Was it a mistake to bring her to meet them? Hell no. It probably shortened the length of my misery. Poor girl probably thinks the guy must be REALLY into them because they are in a relationship. Omg so insane. The BPD is real.

My sensitiveness is really a double-edged sword. On one hand I notice too much, and then I get overwhelmed that I don't process some of the signals. And then I end up thinking too much. And I think this time I'm right. So her reason that she broke up because she felt uncomfortable was probably right. But this is really her problem. I'm so glad I dodged a bullet. Let her think it's all my fault. It's fine really.

Who the hell goes into a relationship so quickly?! Even before meeting up?! I mean, it's not that I didn't like her or anything, but going into a relationship doesn't mean instant love. However it means commitment. And the way she broke that commitment; it's very WRONG of her. I don't even care that she broke up, but it's the way she broke it. No dialogue, unilateral decision. And on my birthday too. What terrible behaviour. And a horrible person too. Why? Because I think she'll never change her behaviour, and hence she'll remain a horrible person. 14 years ago, she was like that, and she has NEVER grown up. Fancy telling me to grow up. What a joke. She's 27 years old for goodness sake.

Argh. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. I'll be very surprised if she gets married. In fact, she'll probably continue to have a few unstable short term relationships. Oh wait, no... I won't be surprised. There are guys out there who are suckers for this sort of girl. Well, good luck to them. And better them than me. Peace out.


I can't get over the way she left me

I'm really glad that she left me. I mean, I could sense that something was wrong with her, although I couldn't really put my finger on it, having little experience with relationshits. I chalked it up to new relationshit nerves, but now I know. My intuition was right. She probably never loved me in the first place. She was only interested in what I could provide (as all girls do). And she had so many red flags. And complains so much. And she has no love for 2 of my greatest loves: nature and cycling(or just sports in general). I would have left her eventually, as she was definitely not marriage material. Nor was she even long-term relationship material. She just can't handle one. And the way she quit on me just proves my case. It's not about the quitting but rather the way she handled it.

I have totally no problem with her leaving me. I have never needed her and I don't want her anymore. This is a girl who has hurt my feelings so many times, with or without remorse. I'm just so upset at the way she left me. How can she say that she loved me right BEFORE she decided to leave me? That is so mind boggling. I know women are like that, but really. It is just too hard for me to accept. And she had to leave me hanging for 5 days after she had already decided, deciding to tell me on my BIRTHDAY. This girl has fucking ZERO sympathy. The only sympathy she has is at least telling me instead of ghosting, which I appreciate a little. Fuck women and their covert communication. I still can't believe I was so worried about her cutting herself because I thought that even though she initiated the breakup, she might be hurt. What was I thinking! Why would she be hurt when she has ZERO sympathy for me. I was such a fool. I'm so angry that I was such a fool.

Anyway, I know I should not be giving this issue free rent in my head. Logically I can deal with it but emotionally it's just... a bit hard. I'm not angry at her; she's not worth my anger. But I am rather angry at myself for taking this personally. I think that she was trying to hurt me when really she's just a sucky person. As someone who knows generally good people, it is heartbreaking to know there are people like this. And I know it will only color my future relationships with women in general. It already did. I totally understand the red pill, but it's still bitter.

Now I'm getting angry at myself

Why did I let myself get seduced by her lies?
Why was I so starry eyed at getting back together with a first love?
Why did I agree to a provider role?
Why did I even settle for a broken girl like her?
Why did I lower my standards?
Why did I not stand up for myself?
Why did I give myself up so readily for nothing in return?
Why did I take her crap?
Why was I so willing to spend on her?
Why did I still care for her as a friend, despite her disrespecting me like that?
Why did I not get angry at her?
Why was I so amicable?
WHY WAS I SO BLIND?

This is a reminder that no matter how logical you are, in a heightened state (such as in "love"), you tend to do irrational things.

NEVER AGAIN. Remember this lesson. Because half the world are women and once you get older and more attractive, you may have to ward off crazy women. Hell, people have been trying to matchmake me.

Even if the girl is so attractive that it's worth giving up your singleness, HOLD ON TO YOUR SINGLENESS. Not worth the risk.

What do girls have to offer in a relationshit?

Nothing.

Why are... guys expected to do all the work? My ex, she wanted me to love her, take care of her, spoil her, spend money on her, help her, listen to her, provide for her. And what did she offer in return? Nothing. Nothing but lies and heartache. It was all about her. I was just a resource to her. She didn't love me.

Don't tell me that not all women are like that. Just ask around and open your eyes. ALL WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT. Granted, I have a few female friends that don't seem like that. But they are the exception rather than the rule. And who knows when they will change?

We are brainwashed so badly. Laughingly, girls still expect chivalry. Girls are still portrayed as the "weaker" sex. Guess who are better at psychological attacks? I'm fine with feminism, but not double standards. Girls can't have their cake and eat the whole world too.

Good that Japanese guys have realised it early.

Modern girls are so broken. Don't tell me I just haven't found that special someone. You like to sift through a box of grenades to find the only one that doesn't blow up? It's the same principle.

There is only 1 special someone. And that is yourself. You are complete. Don't believe in mainstream lies about soul mates and marriage and love.

Indifference towards an ex

At first, I was worried about her. Worried that she was badly hurt even though she initiated it.

Then, I was disappointed in her.

Then, I felt pity for her. I felt pity for her future victims. Nobody deserves someone like her. She has to work on herself first before she can ever love someone.

I tried to feel angry. After all, she disrespected me 3 times. 14 years ago, when she suddenly broke up with some lame reason. ~12 years ago, when she shamelessly asked for her school badge back. And 1 month ago, when she suddenly broke up with another lame reason, after pretending that she loved me.

But, no. I couldn't feel angry. Maybe it's because she doesn't even deserve anger from me. She doesn't deserve anything from me anymore. She has never deserved anything from me. I was the one who loved her unconditionally. Now I know, that women cannot love men unconditionally. Women cannot love men the way men love them. Some women can't even love themselves. And that's really sad. But I don't feel sad for her anymore.

I no longer feel anything for her. She has no place in my mind. There's... nothing great about a first love. At first I thought that memories of her still deserved a place in my heart. That my first love should have a place in my heart. Nope. The lessons learned, however, will have a place in my heart. And I thank her for that. This is an emotionless thank you without a hint of gratitude.