Rage period is over?

Ok la, rage period is over. I think it does help in getting over things. But I'm not really fond of getting angry because I feel that it doesn't really help. In fact, as I get older, I find it harder to get angry and to stay angry. I really enjoy living in the moment and there really is no place for anger in the present.

So, a new year. My goals in life are really simple and they are all internal. Being mindful, being joyful, having inner peace, living in the moment. In fact I already achieved them somewhat. It's only a matter of having some consistency. People like to focus on physical health but I believe mental health is equally important. The body and the mind are linked and interdependent. 锻炼身心!

Rage part 2

Damn I don't know why I'm still angry and still writing posts but I need to get it out of my system. Still seriously disturbed.

This bitch was crazy. Kept asking if I loved her. And didn't know why she felt that I did not love her. The answer is VERY SIMPLE. Because she did not love anyone. She's not capable of that. She did not love herself, neither did she love me. How can someone who doesn't love anything feel love? Nothing that I ever do will make her feel loved. Because she's not capable of that in the first place. And that is the simple answer. She said she wanted me to take all the initiative because it would make her feel loved. Hahahaha. What rubbish. What about me? What about making me feel loved? Well for me, I can feel loved without depending on external validation, but the fact that it was always about her says volumes. It was always about her. It was a black hole.

Another crazy question that she asked was if I would spend on her. A big implication that I should spend everything on her. No mention of doing ANYTHING for me that would be worth my assets. Self-entitled princess. And what answer could I give other than yes? What a trap question? Stop asking stupid trap questions. It was only 1 month and you expected me to give my whole life to you? Fucking crazy bitch. What did you ever do to deserve that? The way you treated me in the past, you should be glad I gave you a chance. I gave you a chance only because you were my first love. You treated me like shit. You treated me like food voucher. Like an emotional tampon.

She kept asking for my time and attention. Whether I would help her with her tuition, whether I would help her build some website, whether I would do this, whether I would do this. Fuck it. It was always about HER. I have my own life. What did she ever do for me? NOTHING.

Another trap I fell into. She was always full of laughter in text. But in person she was miserable all the time. And she did mention that she was an unhappy person. So at least she didn't lie about that. She never laughed at whatever I said. That is a big sign that she didn't actually like me. She rarely had a genuine smile. I bet she was just pretending anyway. And those fake smiles that she did... it was so creepy.

Always complaining about life. Always the victim. Everything she did she brought it upon herself. Yet she would never admit it. Always tired and drinking so much coffee just to stay awake. Hahaha it's ridiculous. Obviously she would feel tired since she overloaded her damn schedule. Obviously she would get headaches all the time from substance abuse and overwork. What a stupid girl.

And picking up guys for LTRs through clubbing? Haha what a dumb girl. No wonder your LTRs failed and your guys cheated on you. You are lousy at mate selection. And you think you'll pick better mates through alcohol laded glasses? Hahaha. Dumb. I don't know how they were like but from what little you told me, I'm quite sure I would be the best guy you'd ever have. I was the first guy you picked and you picked me while NOT DRUNK AT LEAST. But you probably dumped me because of another guy. Both times. I'm very, very sure of that. You said you had inferiority complex, but you could go with other guys. Hahahaha. Hypergamy in action even though you are such a lousy person.

And the worst thing is... falling in "love" so quickly and trapping people in relationships because of your sick and twisted need for validation. It was only 2 weeks that we talked and we never even met and you already wanted to trap me in a relationship? Sick girl. I should have known it was too good to be true. You were just playing with my feelings. Fortunately my gut instinct was sending me warning flags the whole time we were together so I wasn't totally blind. I was serious about the relationship but there was a small part of my foot out the door. Lucky I wasn't that blue pill. I'm actually quite lucky to have escaped relatively unscathed.

I could tell. You were just using me. The signs weren't that obvious, and that's why I opted to stay and observe further, to give you further chances. Good that you showed your true colours so quickly. Saved me a world of hurt. You were being flakey anyway, avoiding meeting me like half of the time. Half of it I attributed to true stuff, half of it I knew something was wrong.

I have never met anyone as broken as you. What's your problem? What made you so broken? Seriously, the only reason why you're still in my head is my curiosity. How could you be so broken? And how did guys even love you despite you being so broken? Were you always like this? I don't believe you treated your 4-year ex so badly else it wouldn't have lasted for so long. But then again. Who knows. I'm still curious but it's really none of my business. All I can do is guess.

I'm really glad I brought you to met my parents, my relatives. Btw, it's really no big deal for me for girls to meet my family. Even friends. You probably thought otherwise. Every time after you met them, you would ask me if they liked you. Like seriously wtf? I'm so glad you met them, if not I wouldn't have known how broken you were.

OMG. I still can't believe I got involved with such a broken and crazy girl who threatened to call the police because she couldn't deal with things like an adult. Seriously, the letter I sent to her mum? Part of it was out of desperation, and a small part of it was wanting to troll her. I think it worked. Thank my Scorpio nature for that. I subconsciously did it even though I was devastated at that time. A subtle way of getting revenge. Damn petty, I know but I think it was worth seeing her lousy reaction. To confirm that she was a lousy person and that I was better off without her. Maybe she got angry because she knew I was trying to troll her. Hahaha. I don't think it's that obvious though.

Anyway, this is really the last straw for me. I would love to say that I still believe in love and I still trust girls and this is just an isolated incident. But I've been through so much and met so many girls who disappointed me. I'm done with relationshits. Even girls in general. Especially Singaporean girls. I haven't met anyone who was worth the trouble. All the girls I've met -- they either have some crazy emotional baggage, or they're just plain self-entitled. Or they expect the guys to take all the initiative. There is a reason why so many guys are single. Because they're sick of women's bullshit. And women love waiting. Waiting for that prince on a white horse to save them from their flawed selves. Guys aren't falling for that trick anymore. All you get when you save a damsel in distress, is a distressed damsel. Damaged goods.

P.S. this is the first time I took so many shit tests from a girl. This girl must be the queen of shit tests. There's at least one every day. Imagine that. Your mum was right -- you are gonna chase away guys like that.

Apparently anger makes you get over a breakup

From http://www.vox.com/first-person/2017/1/3/14100360/breakup-survival-strategies

I guess I have about 10% left to get over. There are many things that reminded me of her. For example, I went to NTU today for work. And saw Nanyang Business School poster. Strange huh. NTU is not unique to that bitch. Short hair is also not unique to that bitch. I didn't really feel angry for a while because I felt that it wasn't worth it and that maybe she didn't treat me that badly.

BUT NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT...

This fucking Clara Lim Tze Hui. I would love to forget about this disrespectful bitch. I have never treated her badly, I accepted her, and you know what. I WAS SUCH A FOOL. I am now angry at myself and also at her. Fucking bitch played with my feelings and let me down. Fucking me still giving her rent in my head, despite not wanting to. It is fucking unfair. How can she treat this like a game? How can she take the easy way out and just erase me from her life without me even getting ANY word in? This fucking crazy bitch. Told me so much crazy stuff, knowing that I will worry, and then just went totally cold on me. And blocked me everywhere! Knowing that I will worry about her. This is one sick and twisted bitch. Such a sadist. Fuck you. Btw, I have no intention to do anything to her or contact her or whatever. I also hope she doesn't commit suicide or anything, not that she will because she cut herself not to die but rather to ease her crazy pain. SHE BETTER STAY ALIVE. Because she deserves to suffer. Such a mentally ill person. She only needs to stay alive and she will self-implode on her own. 14 years ago she was already crazy (I didn't know it at that time), and now she has gotten even crazier. 50 fucking soft toys. Hah. What a big loser. She will NEVER be satisfied. She will ALWAYS be unhappy. She can buy all the things she want. Look down on all the people she wants. Hurt all the guy victims she wants. BUT THE HOLE IN HER HEART WILL NEVER BE CLOSED.

It's a fucking BLACK HOLE. A bottomless pit. She can try to fill it all she wants, but it will always be empty. She's a fucking empty doll. Devoid of positive emotions. Heartless. Broke up on my birthday like it's nothing. Think that I'm not hurt at all and didn't give a shit about how I feel. BEING ANGRY with ME for showing concern, even when I should be the one getting angry! Why didn't I get angry? Why the heck didn't I scold her? It's too late now... I really want to swear and curse at her but what will that achieve? That bitch will just call the fucking police because she cannot fucking deal with an ADULT problem. Asking me to grow up -- that is the most ridiculous thing EVER. She's fucking 27 years old and still acting like she's 14 years old. What a joke.

Anyway, she will hit the wall soon. Actually she probably already hit the wall. All the alcohol abuse, the overwork, the cutting. Plus she's not a virgin anymore. So. Damaged goods. Once again I am so glad that I dodged a bullet.

So. Clara Lim Tze Hui. You are fucking crazy and disrespectful to me. I am so glad that you broke up with me. I hope you grow old alone and sad. Because even if you find guys, they will dump you anyway. Like the bitch you are. Please don't mess up other guys life. They deserve better than you. You empty shell. You never grew up. Enjoy being stuck in a 14 year old mind even when you are 50. There is a fucking reason all your exes dumped you. Because any girl is better than you. You only trapped the guy with your false pretense of love and once they realised that you treated them like shit, they left.

Sigh. Why am I so angry anyway. Not like it's gonna change the past. But I think it's better to be angry. So that I will remember this. No need to erase her from my mind, because it will serve as a reminder to me to always be wary of women. Especially women with mental issues. Fucking Clara Lim Tze Hui. Trapped me with a commitment so quickly, making me believe you were committed. Then after that telling me so much crazy stuff about yourself. Revealed all your crazy mental issues after getting me committed. Fucking trap. Sure, it was also my mistake to fall into the trap as well but still FUCKING BITCH. What an evil bitch. Venus flytrap. Asking me to provide everything for you, spend everything on you. Fucking treat me like an ATM and play with my feelings. I bet you quit playing the game because you were so guilty of using me even though you never loved me at all. OH WOW you can actually feel guilt. Nah you didn't feel anything at all. What a cold and hostile bitch.

I am so ashamed that I genuinely loved you. What a fool I am. Never again. I can't believe I forgot how you treated me 14 years ago. And I thought you grew up. But you didn't. I HATE YOU. I really want to take the high road and forgive you, but FUCK IT. I think I deserve to hate you. However, I will not let this hate simmer in me. Slowly and surely, you will be gone from my mind. I will not let you have free rent in my mind.

Enjoy moving to the USA thinking it will solve your problems. The problem is with you, you fucking bitch. Realise that already.

Enjoy feeling empty all your life. You deserve it, because you refused to change. The problem is with you, yet you can only blame others.

Enjoy having your friends leave you, because you're a fucking lousy person.

And yes, you're a fucking ah lian. I hate ah lians.